Hey Guys- Being in love, in the beginning of a relationship, is an illness. It is treatable, but it is an illness nevertheless. The illness is the inability to see reality. For the very state of being in love is a state of idealization, where the other person is not really viewed through the eyes of reality. He or she is mostly seen through the eyes of someones own wished or fantasies that the other person is able to symbolize. But often the fantasies are based on enough reality that the stage of idealization can move to something real and lasting. The problem is that if the idealizations are strong enough, and the persons need for them to be true are strong enough, then he or she can omit large chunks of reality about the person he is in love with. This is why staying connected to a group of friends who know you well is so important. Your friends and often family can see things about your new love that you will not be able to see. And you should trust them. Unless there is something wrong in your relationships with them, or they are particularly dysfunctional, they will not be looking through the eyes of idealization and need and will see the person more clearly. Have you ever wondered how some people that you know and love were able to pick the difficult, or sometimes awful person that they are with? Do you think that the prince just one day turned into a frog? Most times not. The frog was always a frog, even if he was dressed up like a prince in courtship. But the princess was looking through the eyes of idealization or denial. Borrow your friends vision. You might need it. Also, they know you, and they know what is important to you. They can see if you are becoming a more well-rounded, complete you with this person, or if you are becoming someone other than yourself. They know who you are and will be able to see if you are growing into a more mature, whole version of yourself. These two thing were drastically missing in Debbies relationship with Nick, (that we spoke on last Friday). Because they did not do things with her friends and family, and because she was not staying close to her friends, she could not see the two realities that were occurring; her idealization of a controlling person, and he becoming someone other than who she really was. Her friends could have told her that along the way if she had stayed connected to them. Cheers, Henry
Posted on: Mon, 10 Nov 2014 19:31:20 +0000
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