Hey Guys- In some ways it was a great friendship; in other ways it was awful. Sean and Tim enjoyed the same sports, activities and recreation. They went to the same college back in the day and now liked the same restaurants. But they were just too nice to each other. They both had difficulty saying no to each other. Their realization of the problem came up one weekend when a white-water rafting trip and a rock concert were scheduled on the same day. Sean and Tim enjoyed both activities, but they couldnt do both. Sean called Tim, suggesting they go rafting. Absolutely, answered his friend. However, unbeknownst to each other, neither Sean now Tim really wanted to go rafting. In their hearts both men had been looking forward to the concert. Halfway down the river, Sean and Tim got honest with each other. Tired & wet, Tim blurted out, It was your big idea to come on this trip. Tim, Sean said with surprise. I thought YOU wanted to go rafting. On no! Since you called me, I figured thats what YOU wanted! Sean, he continued ruefully, maybe its time we stopped treating each other like china dolls. The result of two complaints interacting is that neither does what he really wants. Each is so afraid of telling the other the truth that neither even does. Lets apply a boundary checklist to this conflict. This checklist of questions will not only help you locate where you are in setting boundaries, but also show you how to get where you want to go. 1. What are the symptoms? One symptom of a compliant/compliant conflict is dissatisfaction - a sense that you allowed something you shouldnt have. 2. What are the roots? Compliants come from backgrounds where they had to avoid saying no to keep others happy. Since their roots are similar, its often hard for two compliant people to help each other. 3. What is the boundary conflict? Compliant people politely deny their own boundaries to keep the peace. 4. Who needs to take ownership? Each compliant needs to take responsibility for his or her attempts to appease of please the other. Sean & Tim both need to admit that they each control the other by being nice. 5. What do they need? Compliant people need to have supportive relationships to plug into, be they support groups or counselors. Their fear of hurting the other person makes it difficult for them to set boundaries on their own. 6. How do they begin? Both compliants practice setting limits on trivial things. They may begin with being honest about things like tastes in restaurants, music, and the like. 7. How do they set boundaries with each other? Sean & Tim talk with each other face-to-face, finally telling the truth and revealing limits theyd like to start setting. They commit themselves to better boundaries with each other. 8. What happens next? Sean & Tim may have to admit that their interests are not as similar as theyd thought. They may need to separate more from each other. Having different friends for different activities is no blot on the relationship; it might help their friendship in the long run. Cheers, Henry *Pages 144-145 from my book Boundaries
Posted on: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 17:04:15 +0000
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