Hey Guys- My client, Deb, was a particularly gifted businesswoman. She had it all: brains, charm, intuition, great people skills, a law degree, and an MBA from a prestigious business school - the whole mix. And she had been able to put it to good use in building her own customized marketing firm using venture capital. But there was one problem. Frequently, she found herself torn between the needs of her own business and the needs of another business, her fathers. He was a physician who had gone into the hospital business and had done well building a chain of hospitals. The problem would emerge when he wanted her to do what she did best, schmooze VIPs and the press at publicity gatherings in a new market. He would sometimes launch new medical centers with events inviting city officials, investors, reporters, and others who were important to his business. And he loved for her to be the charming face of the event, hosting, emceeing, and just being the glue that held it all together. These was a time, when she was younger, that she did not mind doing this sort of thing for him. But now, at thirty-four, with two children and one on the way, a busy family life, and her own business, his requests were becoming more taxing with each passing season. She began to talk to me about it as she was preparing for the birth of her next child, when she knew her time was going to be even more taxed. So, whats the problem? I asked. Tell him you are going to have to bow out, that you just have too much going on right now to do any more of these for a while. I know I should, she said. But I just cant. I have never been able to say no to him. Why? What happens when you do? I asked. Well, it makes him mad, but he is not the loud-mad type. He is the quiet-mad type, she said. What is that? You know, he just has the ability to go silent and say a few things to let you know that you are the scum of the earth for not helping him, she said. I cant really explain it, but he just makes me feel so bad, so guilty. I always end up doing what he wants so he wont be upset. I cant stand it when he is disappointed in me, or mad at me. We were working on this tendency to lose her boundaries in many situations when she finally had a wake-up call. Shortly after her baby was born, she got very ill with a flu. She was newly home from the hospital, sick, tired, and in need of rest - and he called. He told her that he needed her for a gathering that weekend with doctors and wanted her to come help - in a city halfway across the country. She told him that she was sick, with a new baby, and that she would not be able to come. But, true to his colors, he pressed her. I really need you, he said. It is very important. We cannot let this event not be successful and without you, there is no one else that can do it. You have to come. She continued trying to explain and told him that she was just too sick. There was just no way she could come, she told him. As she did, he interrupted her and said. Im FedExing you a ticket and will see you tomorrow. With that, he hung up/ The ticket came - and she went. Had she called me, I think I would have sent some of her teammates to kidnap her and talk her out of it. But she didnt, and she went. I found out about it later, and was astounded at what happened next, the truly incredible part. In her depleted state, she got on the plane and flew there. When she got off the plane, she walked through security and there he was, standing there waiting, even after the last thing she had said to him was that she was not doing. She walked up to him and he said, I knew youd be here She told me that when he said that she almost felt like throwing up, sick to her stomach. The control he knew he had over her was staring her right in the face. She realized the degree to which he owned her life, and she did not. At that moment, she said, something snapped inside of her. It was finally clear to her that her father was ultimately in control of her life, not her. It should have been apparent long before then, but what it took to break through to her was that he knew it. It showed her that all of her attempts to keep him happy, thinking that they had some true relational value, were really just the results of being manipulated but a truly controlling and selfish man. It was hardly worth giving her life for, she finally realized. When she did, a pattern changed in the way she did all of her business. She got mad, and then she got even. It was not in terms of getting revenge, but in terms of going through her entire life and figuring out how extensive the tendency for her to dance to the tune of others was affecting almost everything she did. Her employees, her customers and her peers to some extent were more in charge of her than she was. All they had to do was pull the trigger that would make her swing into action, make her feel just a little bit bad. For her, feeling as if she were letting someone down was tantamount to an On switch, motivating her to do whatever it would take to avoid having someone be disappointed in her. And when we looked at it in some depth, it was extensive, even defining. Take a look at your relationships…. something to think about! Cheers, Henry Cloud *Pages 53-55 of my book The One-Life Solution: Reclaim You Personal Life While Achieving Greater Professional Success
Posted on: Thu, 20 Mar 2014 16:56:18 +0000
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