Hey Guys- Ownership is crucial in creating boundaries. On the one hand, people who are not allowed to own their own thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviors, desires, and choices never develop a true sense of responsibility. They continue to have conflicts between bonding and separateness. They do not know how to have a relationship and at the same time separateness. They do not know how to have a relationship and at the same time be separate. They dont know that each person is responsible for each of the elements that are within their boundaries. On the other hand, people who own other peoples thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behaviors, desires, and choices extend their boundaries too far, encroaching on other peoples property. This is what happened with Sandy and her mother. Sandys time belongs to her; her mothers time belongs to her mother. However, Sandy had never learned to limit her mother. For years she allowed her mother to think that her mother owned her time as well. Sandy was not free to give time to her mother as she purposed in her heart; she was obligated and compelled to give to her mother what her mother felt she owned anyway: Sandys life. The wish to control someone elses life and not allow their separateness is a serious relationship destroyer. It is the source of more parent-child struggles, friendship struggles, marital breakups, and work conflicts that any other dynamic. Parents, children, friends, and spouses often have trouble working this out. There are two wills in any relationship, so allowances have to be made if love and responsibility are to be forthcoming. I saw a bumper sticker that read, If you love something, set it free. If it really loves you, it will return. If it doesnt hunt it down and kill it! We all feel this way to varying degrees. We may want the people we love to be able to make their own choices, but many of those choices are going to limit us in some way. And when they do, we do not naturally want to deal with those limitations responsibly. We would rather blame. If Sandy chooses to spend Thanksgiving with her friends, her mother will have to choose to deal with her wishes being limited by Sandys choices. The healthy thing to do would be to grieve for this wish and carve out some sort of satisfactory holiday apart from her daughter. Instead she will probably blame Sandy and play the victim crying out about how her daughter is ruining her holiday. It is easy to say we love others, but difficult to allow them the freedom inherent in love. When they do not want to do what we want them to, then we hunt then down and kill them in various ways. We pout, cry out angrily, send guilt messages, and attempt to control them. These actions kill freedom and will, and eventually, they will kill love. Love cannot exist without freedom, and freedom cannot exist without responsibility. We must own and take responsibility for what it ours, and that includes our disappointment in not getting everything we want from another person. The disappointment that comes from our loves ones exercising their freedom is our responsibility. We must deal with it. This is the only way to keep love alive. Something to think about heading into the weekend! Happy Friday! Cheers, Henry *Pages 116-118 from my book Changes That Heal
Posted on: Fri, 20 Jun 2014 23:33:11 +0000
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