Hey, guess what? I read the news today again. You all really seemed to appreciate it last time, so here it is: The stories from last time that were still talking about, but theres nothing new are: Spouse abusing athletes, royal offspring, companies losing data they shouldnt have in the first place, and weather where it doesnt belong. 1: Companies in the United States are trying to give more jobs to people right now than they have been willing to give since that really bad thing happened in New York City. There are all kinds of percentages and graphs and stuff for this, which no normal person has an actual use for. If you have like 6 bosses and do TPS reports then things have been ok for a while*. If your kind of job means you have to put up with the general public then its really easy to find a job, possibly because everyone in that industry treats their people like dirt. If you make things with your hands then robots or commies are probably still replacing you. 2: Almost everyone already knew this, but the UN collected up a bunch of data that says theres more CO2 in the air than there has been since before humans walked out of Africa for the first time. The people that didnt already know that arent going to believe it anyway, but I guess it was worth saying. 3: Theres a new phone. Its like a lot of other phones, but people make a big deal about it. If you wanted to make a news story around this I humbly suggest one about predatory carrier contracting and questionable advertising that goes in to making people believe they paid just $200-$400 for a high end phone, when in fact its $650-1300 depending on how you go about it. Thats not just that particular phone, thats because you let a phone company be a bank and come up with an interest rate and you never ask what it is. Super irresponsible of you. 4: Newsies and politicians are arguing about whether the president is doing too much or too little about the psychopaths in the oil fields, and whether he is actually allowed to. None of that part is really that big of a deal yet. That thing I said about shooting jerks from remote control planes: Im cash money now, but shouldnt have surprised anyone at all. What should surprise the poop out of everyone but for some reason doesnt is that he decided we will blow people up in Syria, where we once said we wouldnt. Theres three groups of dummies fighting there: one of them is a state government and one is the psychopaths that are also in Iraq. We are backing the ones who hate both those guys. I could write a novel about all the crazy things reported on both sides of this, but theyre crazy so why dont we just keep them in the asylum where they belong. The only other thing to know about this for now is that there are actually other countries in the region backing us, even if only whispering about it. This makes it look more like dealing with crazies and less like a redneck invasion. 5: Not being reported hardly anywhere, but it turns out Yahoo! was outright bullied in to letting the government sniff its (and our) everything. When the NSA asked to go through all our things they said no, and so they were given a choice of paying $250,000 a day to fight it. This is ridiculous, but a big baller like Yahoo! could possibly still afford to fight because if it won it could take back its lunch money. Instead, NSA meanies added that the price would double every week. If youre bad at math that means a giant multi-billion dollar company like Yahoo! would go broke in about a year. Actually less, since investors would run for the hills when they did a quarterly report and couldnt explain where all the money went. Either way a year is usually shorter than a court case with the government. This kind of dickery used to be called Bill of Attainder when it was Article 1, Section 9, Clause 3 of The Constitution, so I dont have even one nice thing to say about this. 6: Is Scotland getting its own apartment? Ask me tomorrow. You want to know some cool things about this though? 97% of the people there are registered to vote, and its actually illegal to start reporting poll numbers before everyone has had a chance to. I dig that as much as scotch that tastes like a campfire. And thats saying a lot. * I know what youre thinking. This is not ok. This is not ok. Just get some more coffee and answer your emails, ok?
Posted on: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 01:29:07 +0000
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