Hey guys, good to be here, good to be clean. Its been a rough week, Im a little surprised but despite everything im making it. My love hate relationship with methadone continues, but I take it daily, at the dose im at its pretty impossible to get high with heroin. Methadone is a crutch. Im not a fan, but i hated chasing my next fix even more. Lost a friend/acquaintance this week. Overdose. Its sad. Every one I talk to has a story that rings that same note, trauma, depression, insecurity, addiction. The window dressing changes from person to person, but those seem to be the building blocks to a broken human being. As some of you might know i blog on my site, concurrent recovery. Its called that because i suffer form more than addiction. PTSD, and everything that comes with it, Depression, anxiety, poor impulse control, life decisions, frustration, startle reflex, defensiveness, god that list just goes on.. And there other stuff wrong with me, stuff ill be working out with a therapist. The pain hasnt gone away. Neither have the nightmares, nor the night terrors. The anxiety attacks are still frequent, the frustration is till present. I am still a failure. I am still a loser. I am still trying to figure this all out. Whats changed then? Well, First off im clean, i stopped counting but its over 5 months now since active addiction. Im not a fan of clean dates and I question whether or not im really sober because of some of the meds im on, the clonazepam and methadone in particular. That said... Im off Xanax completely now. I kicked the hardest benzo Ive ever had to kick. It was ugly, im glad i live alone, Im glad there was no one who had to put up with my moods. I thank my friends who stayed on messenger for hours keeping me from jumping out of my skin. Im still on a bit of clonazepam and about halfway done tapering off that too. The doctor is really happy, its not easy to do, and that class of meds mixed with methadone can be lethal. You can just stop breathing in your sleep, end of story. Scary really, i think it was more dangerous when i was on Suboxone, but dont quote me on that. So life continues and carries on. Big hurdles ahead, It all started here. Some of you have been really awesome to me and I like to thank you now and then. I also like to let you all know im doing ok. Like i said, things arent great, but im mostly managing which is huge improvement. Much love t
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 17:15:16 +0000
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