Hi! I thought this might bear re-posting as I think we have about 5,000 new likers since I originally posted it... Hello! Im Nicolette, Chair of Mummys Stars board of trustees. I thought it was time I (formally!) introduced myself and told you a bit about why I came to be involved with Mummys Star. :-) On 24th March 2013, my lovely friend Pete asked me whether I would like to get involved with setting up a charity, possibly called Mummys Star. We had met through his gorgeous wife, Mair, who had been introduced to me by my friend & former midwife, Helen Howard. Helen thought we could share some support, as we had both experienced dealing with breast cancer with a baby. I jumped at the chance to do something, not only in Mairs memory, but also to help women in what I knew to be an incredibly difficult situation. Back at the end of 2006, my husband, James, and I moved out to a little town in southern Spain with our two toddlers aged 18 months and 2.5 years (Ella & Joe). We took over a small language school there and taught English to the residents of Aracena, which had been Jamess dream for some time. After about 6 months, I noticed a small lump in my left breast when showering one day. I didnt panic, as I thought breasts can be lumpy & bumpy after having children and breastfeeding, and I was only 35. I resolved to keep an eye on it, though - particularly in view of the fact that my Mum had had breast cancer twice. We went to see the local doctor - James is fluent in Spanish & so translated for me. The doctor seemed unconcerned, but referred me to the hospital to get it checked anyway. We managed to find a woman locally to look after the little ones for us and, a week later, drove the long journey to the nearest hospital in Rio Tinto. I was only booked for a mammogram at the hospital, but as soon as the radiographer looked at the slides, she sent me straight for an ultrasound. The person performing the ultrasound said almost immediately that she found the lump to be very suspicious. Its pretty much about that point that the serious worrying began……. We were taken to a room where a core biopsy was performed on the lump. Then we were told that we could come back in 2 weeks to get the results of the biopsy. Those were the longest two weeks of my life! I think I knew deep down at that point that I had breast cancer. We tried all sorts of things to distract ourselves over the fortnight, even going on holiday to the beach, but the fear was impossible to get away from. Two weeks later we duly set off to receive the results, children installed with my wonderful friend who had travelled over to be with me (despite being 6 moths pregnant & bringing their 19 month old with her!). I was prodded & poked a fair bit before the doctor confirmed our fears. Invasive ductal carcinoma. Poor, poor James, understanding everything first & having to relay it all to me second hand. I had to watch the news break on his face & listen to him try to tell me. We had been trying for a 3rd baby & were also told that I would most likely be unable to have any more children. We were devastated, shocked, frightened - the journey back home from the hospital was pretty hideous, as you might imagine. Immediate treatment was to have surgery within 3 weeks to remove the lump and surrounding tissue plus all lymph nodes from the left underarm. Unfortunately, in Spain, this meant being in hospital for 6 days. It felt like an eternity to be away from my babies! I prepared each of them a special box, filled with things like a mini cuddly toy, paper to draw pictures for mummy on and photos of us together, for when they were missing me. My Mum travelled over to help while I was in hospital, so that James could make the long journey daily to visit me. It wasnt easy being in hospital so long with my very limited Spanish & I was so grateful to see him! The op was really straightforward and I recovered easily & well. We waited again for 2 weeks for the results to see whether the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes and how aggressive it was. I had optimistically assumed that it would just be fairly straightforward DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ), sorted with an op and some radiotherapy, because that is what my Mum had had. However, it turned out that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and the aggressiveness was intermediate grade 2 - a bit of a nasty shock! As a result I would need to undergo chemotherapy in addition to radiotherapy, Herceptin and tamoxifen. Which meant that we were faced with a difficult decision - to stay or go? I knew that I needed to be back at home with the support network of my wonderful family & friends if I was to get through this with 2 young children. However, we had a house and a business to run & chemo needed to start right away. Plus our house in England was rented out to another young family - where would we go? So, at the beginning of September, we put the house and the business on the market and I travelled back to England with Joe & Ella and rented a little place near our home. James stayed in Spain to keep the business running so that we would be able to sell it and travelled home every weekend, bless him, to be with us and help me as much as he could. He would bring the children some of their toys from our home in Spain each week as a surprise, as I hadnt managed to bring much back with me. I started on my 8 cycles of FEC chemotherapy and, thanks to support from family and friends, managed to cope pretty well. My Mum would sleep over on the nights when I was at my sickest & couldnt get up to the children - usually only once each cycle. Luckily, we managed to get someone to buy the business (at a huge loss) & so James was able to come home properly at Christmastime. That was really wonderful! We were able to move back into our own home in the March, and James went on an epic road trip with his cousin and a van to bring all our belongings back home from Spain! I then went on to have four weeks of radiotherapy every day, followed by 3 weekly infusions of Herceptin for a year, alongside a daily dose of Tamoxifen. The Tamoxifen had the unfortunate side-effect of turning my into a complete psycho! My mood swings were almost unbearable & I came off it for a month just to check that it was the meds & not me! It was, so I changed to another brand, which helped a bit & just learned to live with it. In 2010, with the blessing of my oncologist and following a great deal of research, we decided to try for another baby. I had tried to put it to the back of my mind, but my heart really was breaking for another baby. We couldnt believe it when at 38, after all my body had been through, I managed to fall pregnant within 4 months! We were elated!! All went well & the following March we were blessed with another daughter, our precious Frankie! Prior to getting pregnant, I had noted a tiny lump under my left arm. I had been to the oncologist, who had felt it was nothing to worry about. It was still there, however, and seemed to be increasing in size. Once Frankie got to about 7 months, I decided to see my doctor, just to get it checked out. She made me an appointment at the breast clinic at my local hospital. As soon as the doctor felt the lump, he was concerned & sent me for an ultrasound. He then performed a needle biopsy and was able to tell me within the hour that the breast cancer had returned. I was terribly upset and afraid, but it was nothing like the shock of that first diagnosis. It was a bit of a known evil now! I was booked in for surgery within a fortnight to remove the mass. The terrible unknown thing was had it spread to other parts of my body & been growing there all this time, too? I was booked in for CT and nuclear body scans to check. The waiting times were very long & I had to wait over 6 weeks until I was given the all clear for secondaries. It was a stressful time. We decided to keep it quiet until we knew what we were dealing with this time, especially as the waiting was over Christmas. I really couldnt believe my incredible luck that the cancer had not spread! So amazingly fortunate again! My first operation was not successful at getting clear margins, so the surgeon went back in a month later to take away more tissue and muscle from under my arm. It worked! I went on to have chemo again, this time the notoriously tough Taxotere & cyclophosphamide combo. It really was tough! Also, so upsetting being too ill to take care of my baby properly. James took time off work, but she missed me & used to cry for me at night if she hadnt seen me during the day. I can remember crawling out of bed & sitting in the rocking chair in her room snuggling her for hours, worrying that I might pass out & drop her! It was tough on my big ones, too, as they understood so much more this time. Ella, nearly 7, had repeated nightmares about a killer nurse & started to wet the bed again. Joe was 8 & so traumatised by my hair falling out, he used to sleep with a lock of my hair next to his bed. He was also at the age where he was embarrassed that people at school would tease him that his Mum had no hair. I had to promise to get a wig & always wear it for school pick up, so they wouldnt know! The childrens school was wonderfully supportive & looked after them so well. Next was more radiotherapy, this time to the underarm and collarbone area. I had developed lymphoedema a couple of years previously & was worried that it would worsen with all this treatment. It was fine, though and remained pretty stable. Then it was back on the dreaded Tamoxifen! Luckily, though, things had changed. My hormones were different, having become peri-menopausal due to the chemo, and so I didnt react quite so badly this time. I still have another 2 years on it & look forward to the day when my hormones will be my own again! I have been extraordinarily lucky so far. My biggest fear upon diagnosis (apart from dying, obviously) had been that the rest of my life, however long that was, would be full of fear. Fear of the cancer coming back, fear of dying, anger at the hand I had been dealt, unhappiness and worry. It was to my enormous relief that, once I was over the initial shock, I didnt feel that way at all. I can honestly say that I have never, ever thought, Why me?. Of course, sometimes I have ‘The Fear’. There have been many times I have watched James & the children together and thought, That is what the picture will look like when Im gone. I have an obsession with taking photographs so that there is some kind of record of how I saw things when I am not here any more. (Is that weird?) And I have been guilty of wondering each Christmas & childrens birthday whether I will still be here for the next…. But, you know - cancer is a part of life. Lots and lots and lots of people live with it, survive it or die from it. There are many dreadful diseases out there which I consider much worse than cancer & I thank my lucky stars I dont have one of those! There are women in the world fleeing from terrible war and persecution & having to leave their dying children by the side of the road. There, but for the grace of god, go I. So no, I am not sad or bitter. I love my life & wouldnt swap it for anyones! Cancer has given me many gifts: The desire to squeeze every drop of joy out of life, the sure knowledge of the love of my friends & family, seeing the kindness that ordinary people are made from, the courage to face difficult things and roll with the punches, appreciation for the loyalty & strength of my husband…. I could go on. It has not been easy and sometimes is still not, but I can say from the heart that I am grateful for every single day that I get to be here with my precious ones. A much-loved friend gave me a book when I was first diagnosed, Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. This is my favourite passage: Be like the headland against which the waves break and break: it stands firm, until presently the watery tumult around it subsides once more to rest. How unlucky I am that this should have happened to me! By no means; say rather, How lucky I am, that this has left me with no bitterness; unshaken by the present, and undismayed by the future. …. Does this thing which has happened hinder you from being just, magnanimous, temperate, judicious, discreet, truthful, self-respecting, independent…? So here is a rule to remember in future, when anything tempts you to feel bitter: not, This is a misfortune, but To bear this worthily is good fortune.
Posted on: Thu, 20 Nov 2014 17:30:00 +0000
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