Hoffman Process Newsletter, September 2013 EMPOWERMENT IN RELATIONSHIP We all experience at some stage in our life, problems in our relationships, with friends, family members or life partners. This Newsletter will give you some insights into how you can empower yourself and potentially resolve recurrent conflicts with others, even if you think that this task seems too challenging. Having worked with many clients over the years in couple counselling sessions, I have noticed the recurring phenomenon that both partners believe; that their behaviours are simply reactive to the character flaws in the other partner’s behaviour. To only apply the ‘reactivity rule’ to oneself indicates that one feels like a victim to ones partner’s moods, behaviours, actions and words – “I may be indulging in ‘bad’ behaviours but I can justify this because my partner set me up. I am usually a ‘good’ person, if it would not be for the treatment I receive from my partner.” This is how we excuse ourselves from taking responsibility for the inter-subjective dimension of personal relationships. This is how we come to feel increasingly resentful and disempowered in our ability to be heard, seen and felt by our partner. This is where love flounders and our emotional and empathic needs become frustrated. In the language of the Hoffman Process, we would describe this as our Emotional Self, having regressed in age to become the Emotional Child (EC), and experiencing ourselves as a ‘child’ in relation to our meaningful other. Then we start projecting our unresolved childhood issues on to them and see them as our parents were, maybe unavailable, distracted, critical, withdrawn, uncaring, controlling, flippant, etc. etc. This can so easily set up deadlocked cycles, for example: • If we had an abandoning parent/s, the Emotional Child can easily be activated when our partner is either physically or emotionally not present. We can either become demanding, blaming or become passive and go into moods of helplessness and lay a “guilt-trip” on our partner. • If we had critical parents, our EC might get scared of any form of confrontation and withdraw or pretend that everything is ‘ok’ but silently resent it. • If we had parents that were smothering or emotionally overstimulating, the EC can easily get overwhelmed by any request from our partner and see it as a dominant ‘demand’. • If we had violent or emotionally erratic parents, the EC might get easily frightened, resulting in hyper-vigilant ‘walking on eggshells’ around your partner or self-effacement, in order to keep the peace. • If we had parents that made us over emotionally responsible for the regulation of their feelings or the families feelings, the EC can easily feel like a failure because they can never do enough or keep everyone happy all the time and so they will try to ‘turn themselves inside out’ to convince their partner that they are ‘good’ and adequate. These scenarios get more complicated because our partners also have their own history and when being faced with our unresolved emotional issues can easily get triggered into their own ‘childish ‘reactions. This can set up a continuous game of reactivity against reactivity. Deadlock. Around and around it goes. How to get out of this dilemma? Both partners need to be able to take responsibility for their own feelings and emotions. Others can provide triggers for us, but our emotional reactions are 100% ours. To be able to take responsibility for our own feelings, emotions and reactions, requires inner work. The Hoffman Process provides participants with tools to investigate and understand our reactivity and our behavioural compensations without going deeper into toxic self-criticism. We understand that we are not just our behaviours and reactions. It is easier then to ‘own’ our trespasses to our selves and then our partner, who can and needs to own their own reactivity also. Now, a very important thought for your consideration: What sometimes astounds me, having worked with couples for a quarter century, is how little thought is given to the ‘couple’ as such. If two people in a relationship understand how this all works and become well equipped to nurture each other in an environment that becomes conducive to compassion and love, the relationship will support mutual growth and understanding. The relationship then has a different dimension, not only an appreciation of individual selves, but a new identity called “a couple”. Similarly to a business that is well managed, you can lead your relationship towards true wealth by developing a mission statement or code of conduct, for example. This will take your relationship to a level of infinite possibilities because you will constantly be creative and involved in developing a balanced and prosperous and educated couple. Without equality in relationships we will end up in a continuous power-struggle, which usually only ends when the couple breaks up and seeks another relationship, to only find that the same issues are repeated in a new configuration. The only way out is consciousness. Volker Krohn Director, Hoffman Process Australia, Singapore If you would like to hear more, please join in our Free Tuesday afternoon Phone-In one hour sessions from 5.00pm to 6.00pm, where you will get more information on the topic and learn how you too, can transform your life. Please give a call on + 61 3 9826 2133 for more information. Tel:61-3-9826 2133 Tollfree in Australia :1800 674 312 Email: [email protected] hoffmanprocess.au
Posted on: Fri, 27 Sep 2013 07:47:03 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015