Honest Talk: For several years of my life I knew I was different. I knew I had a unique quality about myself that many couldnt comprehend or felt they didnt need to understand. I always tried and even went above and beyond to fit towards the standards that society (being BLACK, being MALE and being GAY) had expected of me as a man of color. I wanted to disguise myself in comedy and the passion of dance that oozed out of my body. I then falsely identified with dance being my savior instead of realizing that GOD had created an outlet for me to exercise the internal pain I was going through. I thought at the time being GAY in a family full of Christians and Muslims would be the hardest thing to face. But when I receive my HIV+ results seven years ago it just reconfirmed the feeling of being unwanted, unimportant, not qualified, unattractive, damaged, broken, weaken, unresolved or didnt fit the bill. I gained a habit of being a people pleaser to sooth egos and to high light the beautiful aspect of others, who were as flawed as myself. Somehow, I continued to compliment, share kind words and still I was on a path headed head for self deprecation. Now at the age of 27, I still see that insecure boy who at times goes up and down inside his head wondering if he would ever amount to anything. The light today after meeting friends and family reassured me that I am not perfect, but I am a working flame just like everyone else. I share my experience because it is a continuous healing process that I belief God has aligned within me to share. After getting out of a relationship of 3 years, which this August 2015 makes 3 years has helped me to realize how much of my mentality has consume the existence and want to be with another human being sharing the life experience. Those of you who want love, seek to see the flames that lights your candle. Understand and comprehend your worth and realize others worth too! Look around you and dont pass the opportunity of loving another being especially if you do not know them. Learn to love a persons mind and soul so that your bodies may intertwine as one. We must also work to recreate our own intuitions because we have many years of prejudice, oppressive and illogical behavioral patterns. We have to learn how to heal, love, grow and support properly. Insider: You are a beautiful man. You soar through your profession with an open mind and heart. You helped me to shift a perspective that I chose not to think about consciously. Although we barely converse due to the nature of our professions, I hope to soon sit down and talk to you about life and create a space that has the presence of GOD surrounding us and our achievements.
Posted on: Mon, 17 Nov 2014 04:36:55 +0000
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