Honest moment here at 2:00 am, after a tough day, and being unable to breathe, plus nearly bleeding out earlier due to unforeseen circumstances, which is obviously not helping the breathing situation at all. Sometimes I really wish I could shrivel up and just disapear into myself. Not forever, but just a little while, enough time to rest this weary body, heart, mind and soul. In the morning, before the drowning really kicks in, I have this brief two hour of window where I can be the person I want to be, but as I continue to deteriorate that precious window appears to get shorter and shorter each day. So, dear friends, if during the hours of 0800 and 1100 I speak with you [via phone, or in person, or online], know that is the ultimate gift of MY love. Im giving you the energy I should be conserving for my child and husband. If you phone me in the afternoon and I pick up, that means you are one of the most important people in my life. I do not want you to feel bad about this or avoid me, I just want you to know and realize how much each conversation takes out of me. Know that I feel like YOU ARE WORTH IT. Because more than likely, I see the value in you that [perhaps] you dont see in yourself: you are a difference maker in this world and in some way, you inspire me. AND THAT is what I dont say with my words. But it is what I mean, and if youve never experienced heart failure, you would never know that Im working so hard to breathe that my accessory muscles in my neck ache when I smile at you. People always tell me that Im strong, which always confuses me. What about having a weak, sick body makes one strong? Is the opposite of strength. Its weakness, down to a cellular level. Its failure to accomplish ones dreams; and eventually kissing them goodbye because their memory is too painful to even daydream about anymore. How can people use the word strong When one is unable to be independent, when one cannot even bathe herself at times without requiring assistance from her exhausted, wearied and worn only caregiver. I use a lot of humor to hide the fact that inside, I hate the scars on my torso that look like a competive game of tic-tac-toe gone bad. I hate the fact that Im afraid to get close to new friends, because I dont want to be such a drag on their already stressful lives. There are moments that are so beautiful I wish more than anything I could catch them in a jar like a firefly. Moments I know are flying by. Moments like hearing my son giggle as I use a curse word in ASL, and he repeats it, knowing he is not allowed to say bad words, its kind of a terrible, dark, secret inside joke. But that mischievous little laugh passes, and wont stay in the jar, and its gone forever. Could that be the last one? Tonight as he hugs me goodnight I held him for a long time, trying to memorize for time and all eternity what he smelled like. If I could put that in a jar I could savor it a little longer...... I love being alive guys. The fact Im still alive does not make me any stronger than any other living organism on this planet. It has nothing to do with my power or drive or ambitions. It is simply what every organism is designed to do: live, and when the environment is supportive, procreate to continue the survival of the species. So next time, instead of saying, I dont know how you are so strong... know that all Im thinking is there is a part of me that wishes my body wasnt still here [the part that brings only suffering to myself and those that love me, making all our lives a constant state of chaos and hell]. Instead, give me a reason why you are glad Im still here. Even if its just: Because you always make me laugh, or because your kid is hilarious, today he.... See, the truly strong people, they died standing for something... fighting for something they believed in. They chose their fight. If you choose to fight, and ultimately die for a cause, THATS being strong. If you simply exist, as any other cellular organism would, trying to maintain some level of homeostasis.... Well that just means you are still alive. And to be alive is to be in crises. To LIVE, and to really feel each breath, requires a good amount of pain which demands to be felt. To LOVE someone you must, at some point, experience someone who doesnt love you, so you can tell the difference. In order to know how it feels to be happy, youve got to spend some moments sad. In order to be strong, you first have to be weak. And right now, its 2:30 am and I cant sleep because I cant breathe and I Keep imagining closing my eyes and exhaling one last time, and how beautiful and restful it would be to not have to consciously force myself to inhale... I dont want you guys too worry, these were exhausted thoughts scribbled on my phone last night, and I wanted to share the honesty with you. Some people find my positivity annoying, and I find it annoying as well [yes I do Amboy myself, dont judge me!]. But its all I know how to do, so I stick with it. Most of the time.
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 00:04:29 +0000
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