How I met Matthew Douglas: I met you on a bus in India...I had just escaped from a palace where I was being held prisoner and my family was told I died. I chewed my way through the chains (strong jaw) and used my leg hair to make a rope down and out of the window ten stories high. I ran to the bus stop and got on flight 93, and there I sat next to you. You noticed I looked hungry, gave me a Kit Kat Bar and tried to force nasty coffee into me, but I threw it on the floor, which caught the attention of the guards searching for me at the bus stop because the coffee spilled through the rust holes in the bus and onto the ground. The guards knew that the bus had no rest room, and that something was wrong if there was 100 dollar a cup coffee spilling onto the ground. The bus driver was loading bags outside, and I knew I had to escape or be eaten for dinner! I jumped up, ran to the drivers seat, closed the door, and pushed that old bus to the limits! You fell in love with my hairless legs (surprise, theyre actually really hairy but I used it all to escape!), so you took out your pistol and shot back at the guards. There were two clowns, a princess, and a witch on the bus. You threw them all out the back of the door, which tripped the guards and they fell down and broke every bone in their bodies because gravity was extra strong that day. We drove along and stopped at an abandoned ship scrap yard by the sea. We hid the bus behind an old fried twinkie stand and telemarketer slash tech support hut. We ran to the ship yard and found an old, old steamer from before WWII docked and untouched for decades. We had covered our tracks into the shipyard, which bought us some time for a couple days. There were helicopters, jet planes, jet skis, hot air balloons, and Germany even sent over Zeppelins to find us! By then, they knew by way of paper register that you were still on the bus and the other passengers said you threw them out. The old steamer was the S.S Mary Kay. She had been decommissioned and sent to India to be scrapped and turned into millions of Iphones. I went looking around the ship as you looked for coffee and painted the Captains quarters a color I didnt like. I found a fully stocked engine room! The boilers were fuel oil fired, and the fuel tanks were still full because India had hid all the oil in the ships that they could to drive up gas prices in the 80s. I pumped water into the firing boiler, lit a kerosene torch, and began to breathe life into the old girl! (You discovered that I get along with old ladies really well that day.) It took 8 hours to build up steam to fill the main boilers, and we had to do it at night to avoid the smoke being seen from the stacks. I managed to fill all 6 boilers the next night, and we were off!!! You and I found old maps of the sea, and we had plenty of fuel to make it to America. After I backed us out of the port (it took both of us to get the docking ropes undone!!!), I had you take the wheel and follow the compass. The arrow said HOME (after I painted it on), and I told you to make sure we stayed on course. I went down and got the generators going so we could have power, and fortunately the ship was still blacked out from WWII, so we couldnt be see by air. There were serious dangers of submarines, though! We saw one off the port bow, but it didnt see us because we had no radar or new technology. We were almost in the clear, or so we thought. I was taking a nap after scrubbing in a hot shower with the old soap, and shaving my scraggliness with a straight razor. You were steering, and screamed for me! I woke and ran to you, and you pointed out rain droplets, which I was okay with and turned on the massive wipers. But then, the rain began to pick up! Waves got bigger and bigger, and ice began to form on the ships deck! It began to snow, and I wondered, what in the world??? I realized then that the compass was pointed to ANOTHER painted on word, COFFEE! I looked at you and said, I dont know your name, you monster, but you steered us straight toward Antarctica!!! What made you do this????????? You looked at me, smiled, and said the map said Star Bucks! I said show me. I pointed out that it said Star DUST, a term used for the cold by the old navigators! I spanked your butt and turned us around toward HOME, but it was too late! A canoe of polar bears and a boat of penguins had us in their sights, and they were HUNGRY!!! I ran to the Arms room, and found an old machine gun. I took them all out, made you a hat, and we had dinner for the rest of our voyage. We made our way back to America, and docked at the port. We had Oprah carry our ship to the Great Lakes and we got all our stuff from Michigan. We moved into the ship, introduced ourselves, and decided to get married. We got divorced before hand, because you ate my Ritz crackers, but you bought me new ones so I was okay again. You asked finally, what in the world was this whole thing about??? I explained that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was actually created by going forward in time, finding out my story, and basing the movie off it. India heard of my ability to fix broken down cars and my striking good looks, and decided to haul me away! They came on 1960s Schwinn Bicycles, broke into my zombie proofed motorhome, and stole me away! They wrapped me in a straight jacket and tucked me in the back of the flying car (Damn J.K. Rowling stealing my life!!!) and hauled me to India. Once there, I refused to fix the cars because they were SO ugly, and they were painted purple. I could NOT live with myself keeping them on the road! They locked me in a dungeon and began torturing me with SIMS games and Chinese Coffee Torture. Coffee forced me out of there, pulling my leg hairs out one by one, and from there, running to the bus, and meeting you. Because of your coffee, I still have flash backs here and there, and I wake up finding myself pulling out leg hairs or trying to delete SIMS off your computer. I hope one day to be free of the tortured memories, but until then, I live on the S.S. Mary Kay and live off of Herbalife. See you in bed!
Posted on: Tue, 15 Oct 2013 05:40:21 +0000
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