How am I doing? Honestly.... My heart hurts, sometimes sharp other times a dull aching throb... A constant pain that makes it hard to smile, hard to face the day, hard to lie and say Im ok, hard to be excited about tomorrow, hard to be brave, hard to be positive, hard to even hope the pain will go away. I dread the next few months of driving 7 hours each way every week to a house filled with pain, because thats what I feel every time I walk through my mothers door, an overwhelming darkness, a shadow so heavy it drags you down, and so much chaos I dont know where to start. As I dig through the mountains of crap, I realized something....Im not looking for stuff amongst the garbage....Im looking for answers. Some of the things I find break my heart, they hit me so hard I find myself sitting there screaming at ghosts, running out the front door to escape...and crying for the gentle broken soul that was my mother...that I could not fix no matter how hard I tried. I miss her so much, I miss my Mom. I know life will go on, I will eventually reach the end, fill the last garbage bag, and find my way. For now I accept that Im going to hurt....hurt for my brother and beautiful sisters as I watch them struggle each in their own way to cope with their grief for the mother they loved but couldnt understand, for my Grandmother who I never saw cry until I held her frail little body in my arms as she said goodbye to her little girl, for my Uncles, Aunt, and cousins who were always there taking care of her, and now take care of me. Like rays of sunshine they come to help.....Troy being late to work so he can check on me because he sees bags flying out the door in the middle of the night, and hears me talking to a ghost...Irona bringing me food because she knows I will forget to eat, Christy and Uncle Junior taking time out of their already busy work day to help with the hard stuff, or just to come keep me company....my family respectful of my need to be find my answers, allowing me my space, but right there when I need them. My friends.... Staying up all night talking to me until I can fall asleep, the big bear hugs, the beautiful messages of encouragement, and the brave few that will put me in my place when my anger gets the best of me....and are still there the next day. Most of all my son.... Who watched me break, got me dressed, packed my clothes, got me there, hugged me every time I couldnt stop crying, told me he loved me a 10000000 times, held my hand as I said goodbye, and reminded me what was right ....and was wrong....I love you son. My beautiful daughter with her positive ways always leading by example to show me the way. So no....Im not ok...but I know now Im not alone.... I love you all, and from my heart....thank you
Posted on: Sat, 05 Apr 2014 17:10:15 +0000
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