How glad would you be if you could simply close your eyes and instantly sleep and dream. But instead you spend an age obsessively contemplating every action of your life and concluding incontestably that you are not actively unhappy, your just not, happy. How you wish that you were different or that the world were different. But you are who you are despite the superficial changes you make. Perhaps you wish you could go somewhere were no one knows you. Where you could start anew as the person you want to be, because truly nothing is harder than becoming someone else when everyone remembers and judges you on your past actions. How lonely you must be knowing no one understands much less cares. How many conversations have played out in your mind that will never take place? How much of your life have you experienced and how much is just in your head? You contemplate your friends and family and all the dull, bland, surface deep conversations youve had and you cant help but be a little sad. And just like those conversations you realize your midnight musings conclude to the same result. Nothing. Because thats all it amounts too. Nothing. No one will ever see much less understand that day in day out battle that takes place in your mind. Struggling to both care because if you dont then whats the point of your next breath, and at the same time to not care because lets face it, not giving a shit would be a whole lot easier. Struggling to find the balance between being true to yourself without sacrificing the things you believe and care about, while wanting desperately to belong. And just when your at the point of screaming in frustration, you remember a trick someone once told you on how to fall asleep. Think of black, blacking moving on black. Nothing surrounded by nothing. A complete and utter absence. And of course you chuckle, your past amounts to nothing, you honestly cant imagine your future amounting to nothing, and the only thing that can get you through the next moment is nothing. Nothing, nothing... And nothing. - For Nicki Sfullname, because honestly, you just might be the only person on the face of the earth who actually understands and the only person who doesnt say, suck it up. ;)
Posted on: Mon, 07 Jul 2014 07:24:52 +0000
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