How many “Top Targets” does Wenger have? All of them! Ok guys, I think I have this whole transfer window thing figured out. I was listening to John Cross on TalkSport and he said that he had a moment to sit down with Arsene Wenger and that Wenger said he’s ready to spend big. Crossy (that’s what they call him on TalkSport) went even further to say that Wenger seemed to really “light up” at the prospect of paying a lot of money for a big name player and that a “genius” like Wenger knows that he “needs to start winning trophies” and that the squad is a few players short of that goal. Now, I know what you’re thinking… “Tim, TalkSport, John Cross, you can’t be serious.” I AM SERIOUS. I am reporting on what a reporter said to a radio station about what Arsene Wenger’s mood was like when he spoke to a man at an airport. This is as concrete a lead we’ve had on an Arsenal transfer all summer. Or at least since nigh concluding our summer transfer business with the signing Yaya Sanogo — a joke which John Cross made not once, but TWICE within the span of a few hours on TalkSport, laughing at his own devilishly clever riposte both times. Anyhoo.. where was I? Ah yes, “genius Wenger suddenly remembering that winning trophies is important and that buying big named players will help achieve that goal.” So, let’s recap who Wenger has been after this summer and why! Early in the summer season of great hits, Arsenal were linked with Jovetic (£27m) which JC (we’ll just call Crossy that from here on) said was Wenger’s “first choice big money buy” but no bid was launched because we were not after this player. However, Arsene slyly used interest in Jovetic as a cover for our interest in Williams (aka That Guy From Swansea?) – a rumor which JC called a 7/10! That’s 70%! I think that’s almost like passing your A levels! But you have to remember that this Williams story was just a clever ploy by Arsene so that when it was revealed that Arsenal didn’t even bid on Williams and, in fact, that Arsene Wenger is keeping Thomas Vermaelen as captain*, people would be so confused that they wouldn’t even notice that we didn’t bid on our real target Gonalons! Things should be really clear to you now! Gonalons meanwhile, wasn’t really a target because as it turns out he doesn’t want to leave France. Plus, sneaky Wenger was just weighing him up (12 Stone) and had sent scouts to see if he was going to fit the bill or if he was going, instead, to bid on our really real top, tip top target Rene Adler. He was such a top target that “The Gunners scouts now have scouts watching most of the 28-year-old’s matches as they prepare to bring in a new No1 keeper this summer.” We had scouts on scouts! This.is.serious. Except all that scouting was just a ruse for the real number one target, Julio Cesar! Arsenal were apparently “sounded out” on this transfer which seems like a deal must have been done, right? But alas, nothing yet. Because Arsenal’s real top target wasn’t a keeper, it was always Gonzalo Higuain. In fact, that article is a shartstorm of links to players that Arsenal are/were after. Again, sneaky of Wenger: throw out a lot of names, just lists and lists of names, Ginter, Gunter, Bender, Bunter, Grenier, Meanier, Clenter, Cunter, plus Fellaini. And the closer we “edged” to signing Higuain, the more we talked to his mom and his dad, and the more Arsene Wenger had secret meetings with his family in Paris, the more our interest grew in monitoring Wayne Rooney! Monitoring him like one of those ankle bracelets on a drunk! Because the really real tippy top, infinity plus one, top target has always been Luis Suarez. How many top targets has Crossie** identified? We haven’t even begun to scale the heights of the tops! There are tops on top of tops. In fact, as far as I can tell it’s tops all the way from here to heaven. A heaven where Arsene Wenger sits on a cloud playing keepy-uppy with Higuain while Luis Suarez and Wayne Rooney juggle the three trophies that we are going to win! See, that’s what I realized. All these names. We are signing all of them. That’s why Wenger said that he wasn’t interested in buying a lot of players. To throw you off the scent! I’ve figured it all out, Arsenal are going to spend £100m and buy 35 new players this summer, plus Sanogo, and they are all our top targets. Qq *On a serious note (because I know this discussion will happen whether I want it to or not) how does this happen? I can’t get my head around why Arsene Wenger would drop Vermaelen, who was having what many consider the worst season in Arsenal’s defense since Pascal Cygan, and yet keep him on as captain? Arteta earned the captaincy, in my mind, and is de facto captain already. The only way any of this makes sense is if Arteta agreed to let Vermaelen stay captain because he and the boss realized that Vermaelen’s fragile ego couldn’t handle being stripped of the captaincy. But if that’s true, that has to be even stranger than my made up story above! **That’s how they spell it there, apparently.
Posted on: Mon, 15 Jul 2013 20:31:25 +0000
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