How to Love the Unlovable Three Methods:Building a ConnectionReaching OutUsing a Religious Approach Why do some people act unlovable? Why do some people sabotage every attempt that others make to reach out and show them warmth? In fact, there is no simple answer to this question — for some, the cause may be a misguided fear of friendly interaction, while for others, this behavior may stem from harmful past experiences or even from a disorder the person has no control over. Regardless of the cause, working to love a person who insists on being unlovable is one of the noblest (yet most difficult) things that someone can do. Show love to the people who need it more than anyone else by starting with Step 1 below. We must Build a Connection Search for the good in this person. When dealing with someone that you consider to be unlovable, your first step should be to take a step back and try to reflect on the person as whole. Ask yourself: Is this person really unlovable? Does she actively resist efforts to love her, or is she just a little awkward and standoffish? Does this person really have no positive traits, or have I just not taken the time to look for any? Try to think of ways — even small ways — in which this person has proven that theyre not all bad. These can be minor acts of kindness theyve performed, talents theyve demonstrated, or even simply nice things theyve said. o Trying to love someone is much easier if you dont start by viewing them as unlovable to begin with. This is why its such a good idea to look for some minor positive aspect of the person youre trying to love. By identifying this persons positive qualities, youre disassociating her from the unlovable label in your mind. Look for the root cause of this persons behavior. Its much easier to love someone who reacts to your efforts to reach out with anger or frustration if you have some sort of idea why this person acts this way. Some people push others away because theyve been hurt in the past and are afraid of opening themselves up to the same kind of pain, while others may simply not know how to interact warmly because they were never taught. Finally, its also worth noting that some people may act unlovable due to a genuine personality disorder or mental illness or as the result of abuse. In any of these cases, understanding why someone who acts so difficult does this can make it much easier to love them. o One way to learn why an unlovable person acts the way she does is to simply get to know her. In this case, you may want to read the section below on reaching out to unlovable people. However, if this person is so difficult to be around that making a connection with her is virtually impossible, you may want to try gently broaching the subject with people who know her, like her friends (assuming there are any), family, peers, roommates, and so on. Meet anger with kindness. Set a positive example for others. As hinted at above, people who are thought of as unlovable often are the subject of jokes, derision, and outright verbal abuse. This sort of negative attention can discourage them from having positive social interactions with others, leading to a vicious cycle where the negative actions of otherwise decent, normal people reinforce the behavior of the unlovable person. In these sorts of cases, changing the actions of the people around the unlovable person, rather than concentrating solely on the unlovable person, can do serious good. Try to encourage them to follow your example of treating the unlovable person with kindness even when shes being difficult. Listen to this person. Some social outcasts and unlovable people act the way they do because they feel like they cant make genuine connections with other people and, on the rare occasions when they do, theyre not listened to. While it can be difficult to pinpoint the signal of what an unlovable person actually is trying to express in the noise of the hostility they may bring to their interactions with you, making it clear that youre trying to do so can be enough to make an impression. Recognize the signs of mental/personality disorders. Unfortunately, some people with a reputation for being unlovable act the way they do because of a genuine biological problem that makes it very difficult, if not impossible, for them to behave the way most people do. In these cases, the unlovable persons bad behavior may not be a matter of choice, so reacting negatively may not merely be ill-advised, but cruel. If you think that someone with an unlovable reputation is exhibiting any of the following disorders and is not receiving help, contact an appropriate authority like a counselor, social worker, or priest: o Clinical Depression: Sometimes causes irritability, sadness, lack of motivation, self-loathing, and reckless behavior.[1] o Antisocial Personality Disorder: Can cause a lack of concern for others feelings, irritability and aggression, poor impulse control, a lack of guilt or remorse, and callous, selfish behavior.[2] o Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Can cause an inflated sense of self-worth, an excessive sense of entitlement, envy of others, a strong desire to be admired, a lack of empathy, and excessive anger in response to insults or slights.[3] o Avoidant Personality Disorder: Can cause an extreme fear of being embarrassed or rejected, an excessively meek and restrained personality, constant anxiety, a fear of risk-taking, and awkwardness in social situations. Recognize the signs of trauma and abuse. Perhaps most tragic of all unlovable individuals are those who became the way they are because of some sort of external trauma or abuse. Extremely traumatic experiences, especially during childhood, can have marked impacts on the way a person, thinks, behaves, and perceives the person around her. While it can be difficult for an inexperienced person to pinpoint the signs of past abuse, seeing any of the signs below are cause for immediate concern and intervention, so contact a qualified professional (like a teacher, counselor, social worker, etc.) immediately. o Physical abuse: Unexplained or mysterious injuries or illnesses. Injuries often justified as accidents. May dress in clothing designed to hide marks of injury (long sleeves, sunglasses, etc.) and/or miss work, school, or social outings.[4] o Emotional abuse: Low self-esteem, anxiety, and social withdrawal. If in the context of a relationship, this person may be overly anxious to please their partner, may avoid going out without their partner, may have restricted access to their family, friends, and/or possessions, and may have to frequently check in with their partner.[5] Reaching Out Start by inviting this person to group events. Eventually build up to more intimate events. Dont be discouraged by negative reactions. The steps above assume that you get good reactions after you invite a formerly unlovable person to hang out with you. Its also a possibility that you wont get a good reaction. The unlovable person may revert to her former behavior or start lashing out at people at the social event, making things awkward for others. In cases like these, you can cut your losses and refrain from inviting this person to any further social events, or, if their behavior becomes too distracting, you may want to kindly insist that they leave. Reaching Out Start by inviting this person to group events. If youre trying to get an unlovable person to come out of his or her shell, hanging out one-on-one may be awkward and stressful for both of you. Instead, try inviting this person to an event where lots of people will be in attendance. At the event, do your best to make this person feel welcome, but try not to make her feel singled-out, as this can be terribly awkward and may discourage her from attending in the future. Eventually build up to more intimate events. Over time, as this unlovable person becomes more comfortable at group events, you may or may not find that he naturally opens up and becomes more pleasant to be around. If he does, you may cautiously try inviting him to events with fewer people where hell be able to have more meaningful interactions with others. You shouldnt ever feel like you have to do this — in fact, acting like someones a close friend when you actually dont care for him is disingenuous and unkind. However, if you are starting to get along with this formerly unlovable person, you shouldnt be discouraged from trying this out, either Dont be discouraged by negative reactions. The steps above assume that you get good reactions after you invite a formerly unlovable person to hang out with you. Its also a possibility that you wont get a good reaction. The unlovable person may revert to her former behavior or start lashing out at people at the social event, making things awkward for others. In cases like these, you can cut your losses and refrain from inviting this person to any further social events, or, if their behavior becomes too distracting, you may want to kindly insist that they leave. Using a Religious Approach Christianity: If anyone says, I love God, and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.[6] Show love to the unlovable in emulation of God. God, the creator of the universe, is the source of all love. When we love, we emulate God. In fact, when we make an effort to love others even when they act in ways we consider to be unlovable, were imitating one of the greatest traits of God of all, which is that he loves all people unconditionally. If youre having a hard time justifying your continued kindness to someone who seems not to deserve or appreciate it, try to think of your behavior less as an action youre performing for another individual and more as a way to practice Gods love. Recognize that unlovable people need love most of all. As noted above, God loves all people unconditionally. However, people who have strayed from Gods path, shunning his love, need love the most of all. Only through love (never through force or coercion) can these people be brought back to Gods light, so, by showing them love, you are opening this spiritual door for them. In Christianity, returning to the love of God after doing wrong is generally considered to be one of the greatest personal victories of all (for a textbook example, see the parable of the prodigal son). By showing your love to another, youre making this victory more possible for this person. See your efforts to love this person as acts of faith. One way to motivate yourself to extend your love to a person whos making it difficult to do so is to think of this act as a sign or testament to the power of your faith. If you normally would have a hard time loving someone because of your behavior, view this as a challenge to your faith — trying your best to love this person is a way to prove your devotion. Realize that God loves this person. Some peoples actions are so hurtful that its very, very difficult to love them, especially if theyve hurt you personally. Even if you cant bring yourself to truly love someone, dont forget that God loves this person just as much as he loves you. For this reason, the unlovable person is, at the very least, worthy of your kindness and forgiveness, even if you cant sincerely bring yourself to love him.
Posted on: Mon, 29 Dec 2014 17:27:04 +0000
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