How to simulate life on an Offshore Drilling Rig How to simulate life offshore… Buy a steel dumpster, paint it haze-gray inside and out, and live in it for six months. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls. Repaint your entire house every month. Color Choices-Haze Grey or Dark Grey Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always refer to it as the head). Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub (shower-stall) and move the showerhead to chest level. Put a garbage compactor on the other side of the wall you just built. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them. Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every week. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. Tell them the water maker is down or the work boat had to leave before pumping pot water. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you cant turn over without getting out and then getting back in. Put all your clothes under your mattress to press them! Hire a homeless woman with tourettes, give her a clip board, have her gather up the family at different times of the day and have her yell cuss words to point of making the children cry. Call her “Toolpusher” and the children “Roustabouts.” Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say Sorry, wrong rack. Have a friend come into your home and randomly turn off circuit breakers and open the water heater dump valve. Call it “unforeseen maintenance.” Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. (call it HSE training) Have your mother-in-law write down everything shes going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 5:30 am while she reads it to you. (call it Morning Safety Meeting) Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator. Hire a homeless man with dementia, give him a coffee mug, and have him walk into the living room and yell unintelligible gibberish at random times throughout the day. Call him company man Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs or a Bologna sandwich . Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich Bologna on stale bread. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it FIRE DRILL) Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, Man overboard port side! Rate your family members on how fast they respond. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but dont plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup Stove manned and ready. After an hour or so, speak into the cup again Stove secured. Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. (Call it BOP Drill) Make coffee using 2 scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to Store room for some coffee made from feed water, nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears. Lock yourself and your family in the house for four weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 4th week you are going to take them to Disney World for crew change. At the end of the 4th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because their relief did not show up, and it will be another week before they can leave the house. Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in practice, chewing not required.
Posted on: Sun, 27 Oct 2013 15:51:18 +0000
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