* I Decided to Die* Finally I decided to die. I had thought about dying enough number of times before, but never had taken the thought seriously. Perhaps I was always optimistic about the better days that ‘were coming‘, or maybe I apprehended death. ‘Every dog has its day’ and other shit-quotes, I used to cajole myself in my times of despair, every time something went wrong. But there is a limit of everything. There is a breaking point. And I had reached that breaking point. I could tolerate no more the pain of a human life and I wanted an escape- even if it’s cowardly. I know people will say ‘what a loser’, ‘ we have no pity for cowards’ and shits, but who cares! I don’t care anymore. Why should I care when I’ll be long gone by the time they get the news of my death and they can open their filthy scornful mouth. People are full of shit! Life is full of shit! God and hope and faith are all illusions created by sly human beings just to fool others and to keep them lingering in this pain and suffering when they could have a better choice. And I had made that better choice. Finally I had decided to die. I didn’t waste much time in deciding the method to die-taking sleeping pills. After all that’s the time-tested and perhaps the easiest and the only painless way to die. It would slowly deactivate your brain cells taking you to a never waking deep sleep before you could even tell and all your worries would end in a blink. But getting sleeping pills was not as easy as the idea of killing oneself using those pills. I went to almost all the medical stores in the neighborhood, but none would give me one, without a proper prescription. I made all sorts of excuses but all in vain. So I had to think of some of the other means to execute my plan. I thought of hanging myself from a ceiling fan. After all, one just needed a rope or could just even manage with a piece of cloth. Even the Wikipedia says ‘Hanging is a very simple suicide methods that does not require complicated techniques’. And it has high mortality rate- of at least 70%. Fortunately I had both a rope and clothes. I untied the rope in the balcony, which I used for drying my clothes, brought it to my room, stood on a stool, tied one end on the ceiling fan and the other in a loop around my neck and was ready to die. I was ready to kick the stool away and hang there twisting and twirling, struggling for air, waiting to die but towards the end, the thought of suffocating myself to death freaked me out. I could not hold my breath and stay without air for 30 seconds. I had earlier tried holding my breath, like maybe almost all people, not for killing myself but just to see how long I can sustain. And like all others, I too ended up gasping for air within a few seconds. The very thought of that feeling made me nervous. What if you’re suffering in a deep pain and you had second thoughts? You cannot even back up. Killing one-self by deprivation of air was a scary idea and I chickened out and gave up the idea. I tied the rope back in the balcony and hung the clothes, which I had earlier thrown away, back on the rope. Next I thought about drinking half a bottle of phenyl. But I gave up the idea at the very beginning. Even snakes do not die these days with these damned useless stuffs! What if I ended up in a hospital bed, with dozens of disgusted eyes around me, staring at me and murmuring curses about me in the ears of the one nearby? That would be more humiliating and painful than the present that I’m going through. Read the complete story @ liljedi.wordpress/2014/12/10/i-decided-to-die/
Posted on: Wed, 10 Dec 2014 12:03:35 +0000
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