I Got Kicked Out of Church I was sitting there minding my own business coloring. They only gave me two crayons. I think the little old lady with the wig on backwards was a closet crayon Nazi. Anyways, I broke both crayons and the service was only 10 minutes into the schedule. The little girl sitting beside me wouldnt let me borrow any of hers and she had almost 30 crayons of many different colors. I mean really, we are supposed to be Christian and love our neighbors and share stuff. I think its one of the 18 commandments or something. im sure its commandment 15; Share thy crayons with thy neighbor. Feeling hurt, sad and actually kinda scared. I mean, what was I going to do for 50 more minutes. I prayed a bit for God to not kill the little kid for being so selfish. And all of a sudden God answered my prayer. The little brat, I mean little child of god fell fast asleep but, she was clinching onto those wax colored sticks like they were life or death. So, I figured God answered my prayer and really helped me out big time, but we wanted me to step forward in my faith and go the rest of the way in achieving my goal of having just a few simple little ole coloring sticks. I thought very hard and fast. Should I yell fire to distract the horder of her prize. Not a good idea. There could be some Pentecostals in the building, and I didnt really wanna watch a bunch of lady with their hair in a bun and denim skirts dance around like crazy people. My next thought was to bribe the mother. Not a good idea because I make it policy to take my billfold out of my pocket and lock it in the truck. You know the collection plate thing. Genious I know, thanks. Then I had a revelations. Be like Jesus. He was kind and gentle. So, I kindly and gently slid the crayons out of her hand. All of a sudden her eyes pop wide open. I instinctively hit the floor for fear of one of her eye balls hitting. That would be gross. Then a scream blared from her mouth like she just seen the Back Street Boys, or Nsink or Elvis. I think I peed myself a little from fear. Then I heard the sound of storm troopers marching down the isle. People seemed to be pointing in my direct. I looked all around like I didnt know what was going on. I just figured a deranged gunman or an ex wife walked in and was hiding behind me. The SS got closer and closer. The smell of Old Spice and Brute was like tear gas. In a daze I tried to see what was going on. I had thoughts of my grandfather rush threw my head. Oh, the smell was killing me. Then I felt two people grab me started to drag me. Reaching for the crayons that God so wanted me to have and all the effort was fading fast. I lost a shoe as I was being dragged way but in my efforts to break free from the evil storm troopers, I ended up with the Crayons Nazi lady`s wig in my hand. They get me to the back of the church. Praise the Lord because I was sitting on the back pew. I felt my body being lifted as like I was flying. Was a being filled with the Holy Ghost I pondered for 4 1/2 seconds. Thats pretty good hang time in a football kickoff. As my body slammed onto the gravel parking lot (it was a very poor congregation, no pavement or concrete). I had another revelation. actually two revelations. One, I wasnt filled with the Holy Spirit and secondly, I was actually kicked out of church. My crayons got broken on the landing. All my wounds and scars from the multi-revelations that I received that day have healed. I prayed for the crayon Nazi and the bratty kid, I mean child of God, and forgave them. For they know not what they do. Its tuff being a Christian sometimes. But worth it. I still have the broken Crayons framed and mounted on my wall as a testament to all people that just need to color.
Posted on: Tue, 08 Jul 2014 01:19:46 +0000