I NEVER believe(d) in professional psychiatric advice until recently. Or should I say, I kind of believe in shrinks but NEVER believed in synthetic medication to fix (emotional/mental) problems... Apart from reading lots of non-fiction books (on psychiatry, psychology etc) and bios of famous people who passed away in a hale of burn out, and watching many movies about “tortured souls,” Ive been consistently talking with a shrink for quite sometime now. Why? Dont be alarmed, please—I dont think Im about to lose it or I am sick or something. Its essentially because Id like to understand more my current or neverending “confusion” about a culture that I kind of adapted in the last two decades of my life (I am 54)--after freely and nonchalantly sinking myself in so many cultural truths in my travels. Thats besides where I was born into (Filipino/Asian). Most often than not, it has become so hard to share such profound alienation and isolation (funk?) in America since when I start to shoot questions or frantically voice out my “lost-ness” to people here, I sound condescending or judgmental (without meaning to). That I maybe am chastising or scolding people, “You are wrong, I am right,” when the truth is, I just wanted to know whats up with all the haze and blurriness that come with this cultural interface that I was so willing to wade around with? Or am I just lost in translation due to the ambivalence and ambiguity of American English via a vis my native language that is more sound/gesture/nuance-based than words-oriented? I dont know, I want to know. I panic within as I desperately try to deliver my message (from my childhood truth to my acquired truth)... Hence, I turn to books and magazine articles, movies and “expert advice,” and long conversations with a few friends who at least share some terrains with me (ergo, “old” like me). Why would it matter that they must be “old”? Well, its because some “younger” things get in the way of the very (profound) purpose of the conversation. Here are two: (1) The intrusion of e-gadgets get in the way. Most younger people these days dont have the patience to read or listen beyond what a texting/post/tweet is capable of delivering. Hence, a “long” chat is like classroom discourse to them, no go. (2) Most words that come out of the “old” dudes mouth are often seen by the young as an upfront to their independent-mindedness, political correctness, or enlightened view of global politics and universal namaste-ness. So there. I cant help recall those days when, as a 14-year old journalist, I spent so many hours and days listening to my 54-year old editors bullshit. Oh yeah, I may have disagreed a lot at that time, but I must say, I listened—so willingly and openly. I knew then that Id be able to excise some sweetness and wisdom from all the rubble of shit, right? I did. Funny, that I am now the 54-year old bullshitter. At least, my 18-year old poetry student emailed me something very heartfelt last night, as she shared me the sad news that her grandma just passed away: “I wanted to tell you that my grandmother died this morning. I am going to write her a poem and read it at the memorial. You really have motivated me greatly and I thank you.”
Posted on: Wed, 17 Dec 2014 19:42:19 +0000
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