I Surrender?! Is throwing in the towel such a bad move? As I sat through a meeting today listening to someone who doesn’t know me, discuss my future a pertinent question went through my mind: “What the hell am I doing here?” I realised the question wasn’t in purpose of the place or discussion taking place and instead was the question one asks herself after a year has passed after a big change. I didn’t reach half the goals I set out for myself and both my career as well as my future life looks pretty shaky. The unknown doesn’t scare me nor do I lack the strength to keep on fighting. I have what it takes; the strength, the courage and the resilience… However, as I reevaluate my reasons for being here, I surprise myself with the question: Are they really worth it? Yesterday I knew for sure, today I’m not so certain. The fact that I can’t give myself any guarantees suddenly begins to bear weight where once it was no more than a consequence of a risk I was willing to take. Reach for the moon and even if you miss, you’ll land in between the stars. (One of my favourite quotes!) On the darkest of nights, I remind myself of this saying and yet, I can’t seem to see any stars in the path I’m following. So maybe I should turn back and learn to give more value to the stars I already have… or should I keep believing in the stars I can’t yet see? Are they really there?... or are they a mere fiction of my imagination? I’m not a quitter but do I have the good sense to know when to let go? Blind Faith is starting to lose its effect on me. Though it isn’t a loss of faith, but a loss in the meaning behind the reasons in which I invested all my energy. Being positively inclined by nature, it feels strange to contemplate giving up… perhaps I should see giving up as taking a step forward. For a whole year I’ve yearned for stability, for direction and the one thing I’ve been fighting against the most seems to the inevitable choice: Change. Change is the only guarantee life gives though for some of us it’s more than a consequence: it’s a choice. I’m tired of choosing change. I guess I’ll have to play it by ear, with a bit of luck my changes become clearer and this time around I can say that change chose me… Is it time to pack my bags already? I’m still not certain… all I know is that to stay… I need stronger reasons that I don’t possess… Maybe that’s all the reason I need.
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 12:12:32 +0000
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