I Would like to apologize to facebook. Amanda Crans hacked into my facebook trying to destroy my life out of envy. I pray for her and all of you should as well. This is a document she saved on my lap top. She seems to be quite confused. May God Help her. "It is funny how life works out sometimes isn’t it? When you least expect for something to happen, it does. I never expected id be hurt in my life. Well that was a pretty dumb exception. Let me tell you a little bit about my life and being hurt. I was born in Syracuse NY in July of 1988. My parents were both so excited so they say, but my dad really did hope for a boy! He loved me just the same. We lived in Homer, NY in a beautiful house. I was surrounded by other children pretty much all my life up to age 7. My mom had a day care in our house and my dad was a CO. My dad was not home much but he did this when I couldn’t remember I guess. I can’t remember him not being home. My family was close, we had a family board game night, and we ate dinner together every single night of the week. At age 7 my world turned upside down, or so I thought at the time. I moved in with my papa. I love my papa and sweetie forever and back, and I will never be able to thank them for providing for me, because I was too young to realize that before they passed. Finally a year later we moved to Watkins Glen. It was a quaint house and a lovely cottage we could swim at. All my new friends were jealous! I made a lot of new friends when I began playing basketball. I loved life! My first broken heart was when my kitty purrsey never returned home. We hoped for months he would show up but he never did. At this time, it felt like nothing else could be so bad. Not too many years later I lost my first family cat in the new house, Bootsie. She was hit by a car. We held her in our arms for hours before we decided we needed to let go. She was an angel; I will never forget how hurt I was. This was the first time I passed out too. I thought losing my animals was like the end of the world until I lost a loved one. My grandma passed around may of 2003. I will never forget that day. My dad had a flight to see her in Florida. An hour before he was about to wake up to go, we got the phone call. I remember hearing it and knowing exactly what it was. I ran out to the living room and we all ending up meeting there. I saw my dad cry for the first time. He never got to say goodbye. This was a hard time for our family, but somehow we managed to get through. Then in 2009 it seemed like dajavu. We woke up that morning to go see my papa in Norwich where he lived in a nursing home. I was so excited because I had come home from school (it was the summer) and I only saw him a good amount of times when I was at school since it was closer. We were all ready to go and about to walk out the door when the phone rang. My dad went and got it. My papa was gone, and we didn’t get to say goodbye. Why would God let this happen to me? Why would I be hurt like this? I didn’t understand and I still miss them dearly. Now some people lose their houses, their parents, their siblings, their lives…..so I know I am lucky, but that does not mean I can’t hurt sometimes too. In high school I thought I was hurt when I was nominated for prom queen, nominated for homecoming queen, but didn’t win, my friend was dating a boy and I wasn’t, my teacher didn’t give me an A, and so on. I obviously got over those little things! Boyfriends and hurt are pretty common too. The first guy I had a crush on was a guy in my 5th grade class. He was sooo dreamy! Haha I remember thinking he was so cute until I got classes one day and he called me four eyes! Broken heart!!! I met this kid in middle school after that. He was so mature for our age he knew a lot that I didn’t know and it scared me. He was pretty bold about things he said and would always make comments toward me. One night I begged my mom to let me go to a party that my friend Lauren always had. She had parties a lot at her parents’ house, her mom said she did it so she could be popular. Great mom! Anyway I remember this kid being there and I do not really think about the rest of the night. I do know my heart was broken because some people do not care about other people’s feelings. Then I had a crush on another kid that asked me out with a note! I circled yes and we dated for a day. HEART BREAK!!! He broke up with me because he didn’t think I would kiss him since I was so shy!! Oh dear. My first real kiss (that I wanted) was with Brennan. I remember kissing him and thinking this is freaking gross our tongues are touching. After that I broke up with him. We dated for four days, guess I broke his heart, but if I remember correctly not too long after that he had another girlfriend. Haha. When I was 16 I met my first boyfriend Stefan. I thought I was in love; we were together for about 4 years when we both realized we were growing apart. Stefan stayed in the small town of Watkins/Odessa, and I moved to bigger things. I began to grow intellectually and I matured so much in the couple years I was away. . I think I had to since I was on my own with no friends or family close by. I played basketball in college so I was not able to come home much. He still acted so immature and it was irritating. I just remember I broke his heart, and I was so sorry. But I knew he’d be happy again someday, and he is. When I was a junior in college I met a RPI bball player. I thought he was nice and good looking and eventually I fell in love. He broke up with me a year later I guess because of the distance. I did not eat for one week. I was like skin and bones but it was weird because I did not realize it until now when I look back in pictures. I began working at the rooster with my sister for a side job. It was one of two that summer. I met many people there. I think every guy working there asked me out, which I guess was flattering, but I was not really interested. Then I started to like Brandon. He was funny and charming and I guess I just hoped I would find someone to get Kris off my mind. I remember telling him id come to see him. I don’t think I ever told him this, but I took three shots of vodka before I drove down. I was shaking because I was so nervous. I don’t think I have ever hung out with a guy alone without friends around before we got to know each other. I got to his house and I just remember his girlfriend came over. I was really hurt, but I guess when I look back at it, I’m sure she was more hurt. He told me to wait and he was going to go talk to her, obviously he wanted to repair things with her so I left. I never wanted to see him again but it was hard since we worked together. He apologized and we kind of started talking again. I eventually found out when we had been hanging out that he was with about four other girls too. I have never ever been with anyone who wasn’t solely with me, so it was pretty disturbing. I think I lost a lot of confidence over the years with him. After we started dating, (I never told him this either) he asked me officially out. (While he was still dating another girl, which I did not know). Then I think because he was so used to telling her he loved her, he accidently said in the car babe I love you don’t be mad. (Or something like that). I pretended like I didn’t hear because I didn’t want it to be like that. I could tell he was shocked when it came out of his mouth and at the time I knew he didn’t mean it. He eventually that night said it again saying that’s what he had said in the car and I hoped he meant it. A couple days later I got a phone call from his girlfriend. She said how they were together and he was a liar. She said how I needed to get away from him and he talked crap about me everytime they were together. She explained how he joked about me and how he could use me for my money cuz I will be a nurse, and that he was so happy I was away at college because I was annoying. She hurt me. Whether Brandon said that stuff or not, I began to hate her. She called me continuously all the time for weeks. Telling me how they hung out again and slept together. How he said this or that and once called his PO on him. How she thought he was disgusting and had other girls there too. All of it was so dumb, and I think I would have gotten over Brandon at that time if he and she would just have left me alone. I heard she threatened to burn down a restaurant after being fired. Everyone in Watkins warned me she was a psycho but I didn’t know her, later at sals with her new boyfriend one day , my friends said he announced they were engaged and pregnant. She had a bigger stomach so I figured it was true. Guess she killed that because I don’t think she ever had it. Figures. Anyway, Brandon continued to cheat on me until he was put in the BSU. Guess that was my fault, but I just wanted him to be better. I hated how he was acting crazy and I was scared. Later I believe it was not too much later he went to jail again. Each and everytime I was so heart broken. When he came home he was sober and things seemed to finally be good. I loved him and he loved me. Or so I thought. Shawn and him began to get close and do pills, smoke fake weed, and drink all the time. Then of course I found him cheating again. I went to his house and he was with a girl with herpes. Awesome! At this point I was sad, I didn’t care about the fact that his brother was dying to get in my pants, or that Linc was hearing me cry probably. All I wanted was Brandon back. The good and sober Brandon. I finally decided Brandon and I were done, and I went to Albany to try and repatch my mind. He tried to follow I guess and ended up going to jail again. This time was the worse, because for some reason I was being told to stay with him. I waited 18 months for him. For his phone calls, for his letters, for the visits. I was watching my life pass by pathetically each and every day. When he came home I was happy again. I just had a hard time believing it would stay this way. I had a hard time seeing him hang out with his family because of them bringing him down for so long. I had a hard time in general, but he was there for me through it all. Eventually things got weird again. Brandon pushed away a church family that I thought was going to make us even stronger. How great those people are. He started being mean and swearing a lot. It got worse every day. The past couple days he has been up and down, one minute he is yelling and calling me names, another he loves me and is hugging me. I began to become confused and realized maybe I need to get out of this relationship. It was tearing me up inside but I didn’t know what to do. Then last night Brandon made it official for me to want him to leave. He said he was in love with my sister and has never loved me. He doesn’t really know why we were together for so long but it was God’s will I guess. I never felt so little. Then today he took more of my money and hurt me even more by getting a car. He owes me 670 dollars a month and has no job and no money. I cant do it anymore. I am scared to face reality of being alone with not many friends and not a lot of family. But I feel the spirit of God giving me strength. I have my faith, family and friends, and in times like these that’s what matters. I am sorry Brandon has turned out like this. As he said “we don’t even sleep together anymore” I think that comment went right to my heart. Its true he doesn’t sleep with me anymore. He doesn’t get pleasure out of making love with me. And I am nothing to him. How can this be? I don’t know. Only God does. And only God knows what will be in the future. So I am putting my life in his hands once again and I am asking him to give me the strength I need and I am praying for a happy future filled with a loving husband, beautiful bright children, and of course my grayson and emma. This heart break with Brandon seems the worst, but maybe its just because it is fresh. Maybe it is because I do not know if it is him speaking or some demon inside him. When he talks like a robot and says he is the Holy Spirit it is scary. I thought I would marry him and be happy forever. This was totally wrong. I wouldn’t be the first time I was wrong about my future though. I will keep my head up high. I know I am so blessed with having a wonderful mindset, a flourishing job, a beautiful face, an amazing body, and a caring heart. I know there are so many people out there hoping to find someone like me. And someday, someone lucky will."
Posted on: Sat, 21 Sep 2013 21:26:25 +0000
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