I am feeling...on different levels, different things. My joyous nature remains intact. As I lay here in bed, I think of the implications this all has for me in my life. Surely it will, and yet at this point I am not in a place where I am informed enough about the options and alterations in my life-style to make a choice about all that...so I put it to the back burner. There will be time enough to figure all that out. Ya know, I do not feel anxious about all this. Even as I was going in for my first surgery, I knew the risk that I may not wake up, that this might be IT. However, I had called each of my kids and spoke with them, and they with me, from a deep heart space. I had called upon the Ancestors. I understood that the framework of my health was something outside my control, and that which I have done with it is all my responsibility, so I felt no blame nor anger, nor did I feel self-recriminations. It just IS, as it is. So I went in facing my Death as a Warrior...loving and unafraid. The BIG feeling event for me has been the outpouring of love and support. The comments people leave me, the well wishes, the financial support that keeps pouring in. Wow! I am overwhelmed, humbled. I am open in receiving it all, and yet I feel so unprepared for the immensity of all that love. Not unworthy... just stepping into a different perspective. I have been the Giver, now it is time for me to shift to be the Receiver. Health-wise, I am feeling exhausted. It has been, and continues to be, quite the trial. For my heart to have malfunctioned to the degree that it had, and that I was just choogling along, shouldering the strain and hardship, is itself amazing that I did not drop dead on Machu Picchu. So months and months of carrying my body along in my activities when the heart had so faltered put an additional strain and stress upon the whole system. Now, I am one who is in touch with the Body. And yes, I knew that I was having heart difficulty. But, given my circumstances (living dollar to dollar, no insurance, etc), I was doing what I could with remedies and acupuncture and healing work. And a good thing too. These things kept me alive and going long enough for intervention to occur. I had, as well, attended to the worldly. I had, just the week before all this came down, signed up with AHCCCS, the Arizona state health program. My intention was to leave Costa Rica on July 1st and by the time AHCCCS was approved, I would be in Arizona and would check myself in to a hospital to initiate treatment. I guess my heart and time caught up to me and passed me by, so I am left to deal with the situation where I find myself: Costa Rica. With the procedures done so far I am feeling more strength. I am but a few steps along into this journey of healing and recuperation, however, so much has yet to unfold...both the disintegration and the flowering. I appreciate YOU, each of you, so very much.
Posted on: Mon, 26 May 2014 16:34:53 +0000
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