I am getting MANY messages about PTSD loved ones pulling away from those who care about them the most. Im seeing MANY souses/partners struggling with this. Im seeing MANY with PTSD really feeling like they are alone right now, feeling numb to everything, OR feeling as if others just cannot understand what they are experiencing. This is ALL normal with PTSD. Not that that helps besides letting you know you are NOT alone! I have been writing a lot lately about increases in #PTSD symptoms, I have been doing extra things to try to spread more awareness and let others know we are here for them too... all with very good reasons. Its a rough patch for many right now, thats what I am hearing from SO many people, as well as seeing here at home as well. I dont want to sound like a broken record here, haha, but I do want to get it across that there are a lot of people having some very serious struggles right now, and what you do or dont do each and every day can make a difference. Even if its something as simple as just letting one know you are there for them. Im also hearing from spouses/partners things such as Bec, Im just not you! Im lost! No, you arent me, you never will be me, BUT you are you and you can find that same place within yourself that I found within myself. I did not get, and we did not get where we are now overnight. It took a lot of time, a lot of learning, and a hell of a lot of trial and big time errors. Just because you have not yet learned every tip and trick in the book yet, and in reality that book will be endless, does not mean you wont! There is not a quick fix answer, and when you find what works or helps in each situation that comes up its still going to take time to get somewhat of the results you are aiming for. Right now, for this moment, this is what I want you to do... I want you to stop, take a deep breath, look in the mirror, and remember to believe in yourself! Just because you, right now at this moment feel worn out, worn down, emotionally drained, and feel like you are just lost and rushing to find the answers... does not mean that is a place you will always be! Slow down. You HAVE to! You have to start with YOU! PTSD has its own path it takes, but I will tell you right now one is also going to follow your path when their symptoms become overwhelming for them. As a spouse/partner, caregiver, or family member... If you are not taking care of yourself its going to be very difficult to take care of or help someone else. Self care is something that you cannot put off, its something that you HAVE to MAKE the time to do... and DO it! Its what is best for you, and its what is best for your PTSD loved one! When one with PTSD sees their loved one struggling, in all reality they are going to struggle more than what they already have at hand. They view it as they are pulling you down with them, that its their fault, they are to blame, and the guilt and hurt that brings them can become unbearable. PTSD and life with it is not suppose to be a finger pointing game, life is suppose to be something that you work together through. Right now there are a lot of people with PTSD that are pointing their fingers at themselves, this has to stop. There are a lot of fingers being pointed from or at the spouse/partner, this has to stop. This life was not meant to be against each other, its meant to be lived together! I have already been down every path imaginable as a spouse of one with PTSD. I can tell you with every ounce of love I have to offer, that me taking care of me is the largest thing I can do for my husband. I see Craigs slight grin when I come back in from working on my pond. I see how he watches me when I do my little house projects. I see how he stares at me when I change my crazy nail polish or he makes a sarcastic comment. All of those small things that seem so small make a huge difference to one with PTSD. When they see you living and pushing forward, taking care of yourself, you are actually showing them how and the reasons why THEY need to live. You change their path when you change their view of themselves and how they view they are or are not effecting you. You take a weight and stress off of their shoulders simply by taking care of yourself. I know PTSD is tough! I know you have to be one tough cookie to manage this different type of life, you also have to be a caring person. It is different, its not those made up fairy tale stories where everything is suppose to be perfect. Perfect is in the eyes of the beholder and what you choose to view perfect as. ;) I have people every day tell me how they dont know how I live this life. How they dont know how I deal with the symptoms (notice I said symptoms and NOT my husband, wording is everything). How theres no way they could do it or cant do it any longer. Its all in what you make out of it and how you choose to view it. Thats really the bottom line to it. We have been at this for so long now, that this is our normal. I accepted that PTSD is a part of our lives a long time ago. But that does not mean life is bad! Its not, its just different then what others view as normal. And I would not trade my husband for the world. Even with PTSD hes still Craig. I might not get to see the true him as much as I use to, I might miss that masked part of him at times, but thats okay, I will take what I can get and love him just the same either way. Hes still my Craig, hes just simply masked by this thing called PTSD. As I said the other day, PTSD is a diagnosis not a definition of who a person is. Its very easy to get so caught up in what PTSD brings, that you forget the important things. I am hearing from so many of you right now about your PTSD loved one pulling away or how communication has changed. When PTSD symptoms go up, these things are VERY normal! Craig does it. We can be sitting in the same exact room but he is miles away. When that happens, I know its just PTSD. It in reality has nothing to do with me at all. Its him focusing on himself, coping with that he is feeling, trying to manage the symptoms so they do not get taken out on anyone else. This is all normal! You have to give them the personal space and time to work on themselves, and not take it personal through this process. You cannot push one with PTSD to be who you want them to be, PTSD is still there. You have to be supportive, you have to care, you have to learn, but that space is also a part of it... those things will help. I know you will worry, I know you will want to constantly talk to them, keep communicating, be there with them, etc. Those are normal human reactions and wants, especially when you know a loved one is having a difficult time. But theres an old saying that really fits well here, Too much of a good thing, can be bad. ;) You have to respect their space when they get quiet. (As long as they are NOT suicidal, that is. Thats a different ball game!) They are not purposely pushing you away, they are not purposely ignoring you. Most likely they are handling PTSD the way they best know how. And in a way, protecting you at the same time from what PTSD is known to bring. Just as you have to work on yourself, they have to be able to work on themselves too. They will talk and communicate when they are ready to. Dont push. When you push theres a good chance you are going to hear or see PTSDs side of things. ;) And that can land you and your feelings in a very hard place. Many times what they are going through has nothing to do with you at all... thats really something to think about and learn to accept. To those of you with PTSD, Theres no way I could write this and not say something to you. Just like there are things a spouse/partner needs to keep in mind and do, theres things for you as well. ;) The largest thing you can do, remember there is someone that cares about you and wants to help. If its your pull away quiet time, let them know thats what you are going through. It can be kept simple and short. They really do worry about you, they really are there for you, sometimes it takes a lot to allow a person to step into your world that you experience, I know that. But letting them in even if its just a little can really help both of you. You do not have to journey this path and life with PTSD alone, even though alone is a very real feeling. Dont cut your partner short of what they can be, they are probably much stronger then you might think and that extra strength they have can sure help in some way. They are not going to learn everything overnight, give them a chance to learn, and understand there will be a lot of errors in there as well. If they are trying, work on accepting they are trying. No, they will never completely understand, but if you let them try they can sure get pretty close. ;) If they reach out to you (which hopefully isnt TOO much too often), just let them know I have to focus on me right now and managing my PTSD. Its nothing to do with you or against you., something short, something simple, just simply to let them know your focus does have to be on yourself at the moment and so they know you are okay so to speak. Silence when two people are not in the same location can cause the brain to think all sorts of bad things. Dont allow that to happen, it causes way more problems then what its worth. A simple text can help. When you can, talk to them if they do not understand how space is something that is needed at times. Send them here, we will explain it if you have difficulties finding the right words. ;) It happens! And thats okay! Whatever it takes for them to start learning. :) Those numb feelings, dont forget the motions lead to emotions. Numbness is VERY real with PTSD, but it can be worked on. ;) ----------------------------------------------- This is a life which includes PTSD. Things are going to be different and its important for people to be on the same page and learn the most they can. Its important to know that just because one person may be doing better than another at any given time, does not mean they are a better person then you are, it just means maybe they have traveled further down a path then you have at this point. Theres this thing we call the PTSD dance, one step forward two steps back, it happens to all of us. The important thing, we are dancing. ;) A lot of the things I am hearing are simply based around expectations or taking things personally. Take that breath, make sure you are taking care of yourself. And try not to worry so much, you are just learning a different way of life that may be a little scary to start with until you learn more and find that new normal. ;) Youve got this! Give yourself and your loved one a chance!
Posted on: Fri, 22 Aug 2014 15:07:21 +0000
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