I am going to admit that, right now, I am being selfish. I am not expressing gratitude or graciousness or an even temper. I will apologize, and I will try to be better, but one thing that people who judge me now could practice more of is compassion. Being depressed does not excuse poor behavior, but it does mean that the simple act of getting up each day can sometimes be all I am able to do. Think about the Hierarchy of Needs. One cannot proceed to the next level until their basic physical needs are met. Right now, I am only capable of taking care of those for myself and my family. I force myself to get up and go to work because it is a need. Not just mine, but my immediate familys. Going to work means that my family doesnt have to worry about food, shelter, and health. Being responsible means that the full burden does not fall to my husband, who not only works hard but who also has to meet that next level of need for our family without me right now. I am doing everything I can. That takes every ounce of physical and mental energy I have, completely aside from the constant physical pain I still deal with. Does it mean you dont deserve better from me than that? No. You do, but my immediate family comes first and they are getting everything I have to give, however pitiful that offering may be right now. Does it mean that maybe, when I open my heart and share how much I need support and encouragement, it could be given without telling me how selfish I am being for asking? Yes, absolutely. Ten years ago, I didnt ask for help and the burden became too great to bear on my own. I would rather be selfish than dead. Although my husband and our children would rather have more of me than I am giving right now, I know with absolute certainty that they would also prefer for me to be selfish than to not BE at all. I am as depressed as I was a decade ago, and I am not going to even consider repeating those suicide attempts. Why? Because I am being selfish. I am asking for your compassion, and kindness, and patience, even though my actions might make them hard to give. Perhaps, the next time I do something that seems rude or controlling or any of the other thousands of things a person can do that arent good and sweet and lovely, you can address the behavior itself. Tell me if I am behaving poorly. Dont put me down, though. I do a more than adequate job of that on my own, I promise. Also dont assume that the behavior is rooted in a desire to harm. Maybe it is fear, exhaustion, or - the most common driving force behind fits of temper or panic - a sense of helplessness. Maybe I am afraid that if I create something that is not good enough, it means that I am not good enough. Maybe I am silently begging for you to confront me so that I can understand that I dont need to do perfect things to be perfectly loved, and maybe knowing that will help resolve the behavior. I ask this not just for myself, but for all of the other people who struggle as I do but who are not asking for it because they dont know how to express it or are afraid or maybe dont even really know or understand what they need. I love words. Using them is something I am good at. Using them to communicate some of the facets of depression and how you can help people struggling with it is one of the only unselfish things I can do right now.
Posted on: Tue, 19 Aug 2014 03:42:33 +0000
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