I am going to talk about my friend, Tigger. If you disagree with me posting this then keep your opinion to yourself. If you have anything to add of a positive nature then feel free. Facebook anymore is about such frivolous shit. I am not the most emotional person but I will say this is personal. I have lost family all my life but never a friend. I never really realized the difference. When you lose family you often are with family that reinforces and emboldens you to remember the positives for even bad people. To remember the good and their history and everything about them. You need to love family even if you dont like them. Friends are different. You remember your friends individually without really the influence of others impacting it. That is how it is going for me. I remember him how I do. Each of his friends will in their own personal way. I love my friend. I love the two boys even if I dont know them because they are a part of him. The hardest part is looking at pictures. I have many of my friend in his All Blacks jersey which he wore proudly. I knew Tigger but I didnt know David Hall. It is almost impossible for me to fathom they are one in the same person after the events of the last couple of days. But they are one in the same. I have read comments on the articles online that people wrote and it is so hard to not comment to tell the truth because in the end truth is perception. I cant change anyones mind. I can only share my own perception. My friend Tigger is the one always with a big smile, ready to greet you with a hug and he often told his friends that he loved them. You heard it and knew he meant it but never really think about it. I dont think I will forget those words again when uttered by a friend. He was my brother. I remember the Tigger pills taken after long road trips, the terrible jokes he told at his expense, his never ending energy to let his doubters know they made a mistake in underestimating him. That spirit, that drive I always admired. I feel in ways that I let my friend down. The hardest part for me and I know for all the love he gave us he didnt allow us to return the favor in the end. To allow us to give back to him when he needed it most. It seems so selfish an emotion, anger. It truly is. He hurt me with his actions, his thought process, his hiding from his friends who were there reaching out to him. I was boiling.hot angry. I realized though that I had to let it go because no matter how heinous his actions, I truly had no control over them. Only God above can influence those times. I have believed in God my whole life. At times he is questioned and can be by what happens in the world. But my belief in him will allow me to forgive my friend. To seek forgiveness for him because that is all I can do. I couldnt sleep Sunday night at all. All I could imagine is what happened, why? It played out over and over and haunted me truly because the evil that will be talked about my friend I never ever saw. Never saw coming, never anticpated. Yet it was there hidden in the darkness that sometimes captured him. We just cant and wont ever understand. It doesnt hurt any less. It doesnt hurt any less to think that my friend of all these years would end his life and the life of Shannon. My memories of Shannon makes this hurt even more. She loved my friend more than words can express. She smiled all the time and truly welcomed anyone who she met as a friend with a loving grace. One of the best people I have ever met. So positive, energetic and a loving wife and mother. God truly got an angel to serve his purpose. For all of her friends and family my words cant express my sadness.. I was there the night they met. I was there for their wedding. It truly hurts me. This is my first friend lost. All I can do is cry for their lives lost too soon and for the lives of his boys and both of the families and the pain this will cause them. I will share for everyone what Kip told me, maybe it will help someone else deal in this time of hardship.: My buddy at CPD does Crisis Response and I talked to him and he said these types of cases are the hardest because people that are so closed off are the hardest ones to reach out to. Even ones where his friends are always willing to help. He says that the ones that know him spend the most time trying to make sense of it all and that is a good thing. He stated these bad things happen all the time and the ones left behind have the hardest time figuring it out when there was no way to know how far he was willing to go. He said it is normal for us to experience every emotion, shock, sadness, anger and remorse. He told me the one way to make me feel better was to hug my family. And I did. Tight. I think we all should tonight. And be thankful we are happy with our place right now.
Posted on: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 00:15:17 +0000
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