I am not posting the following to invite a shitton of commentary or whatever, but this has been milling around in my noggin for a bit now and it just needs to come out, otherwise, I am seriously going to explode. And not in a good way. It is probably not particularly well written, but I am going to put it out here anyway: I am not little, petite, small, lithe, athletic or any other synonym of the aforementioned words. I shall never be. I am a big, tall, often formidable amazon of a woman; all 6 feet of me has a purpose. I have lived my whole life bigger than most other people around me. I have a large frame. I have big hips, a big ass and thick thighs. I jiggle when I walk. I have a generous heart and spirit, and my laugh can echo in whatever space I occupy. I can only be me. I glitter and shine, not like a sparkler, but like a firework. I dont do anything by halves; it is either go big or get gone. I have things to do; I may not know what they are at the moment, but Ill figure it out. I do know that I am not meant to spend my life solo. I am a tribal person. If you are mine, I will love you and protect you fiercely, even if I havent seen you in a long time. I will jump in without thinking. I know what I am good at and I want to get the job done and do it right. I have a purpose in life; I MUST have a purpose, otherwise I wouldnt have survived this long. I am done with merely surviving. I am into LIVING. My living is probably not yours, and that it okay. I am still figuring out my path; I am a work in progress just like you. I cannot unlive my life, I cannot unexperience it. I cannot go back in time anymore than you can. I can play dumb and have done so, but can only do this for a little while. I am smarter, savvier, and more observant than you maybe realize. I have talents that I dont tell anyone about because, well, they dont ask and Im a bit rusty. I am young at heart, but just like you, I am never going to age backward. I am trying to learn to trust my intuition more than my heart. This is making my heart and soul ooze with pain right now. You see, my heart and soul, too, are big. My heart easily loves, easily gives. For all appearances, I am indestructible (although maybe a bit weak in the knees). My heart cries out to love; to be worn on my sleeve, to be given freely and openly and often. But my heart has been trampled, dropped, kicked and cracked, and some of those cracks have not mended. Some cracks have new cracks over the top of them. Some cracks have become channels as sorrow has run rivulets over and through them. You would think I would get smart and stop handing my heart over to other people. That answer would be no. Ive tried. It is a desperately lonely and maddening journey. Harden my heart you say. Ive tried that too. My heart is soft and mushy and just really wants to be cherished. My heart wants to share with other hearts; to be pursued, tackled, and held closely and gently. It is fragile, yet I continue to put it out to be shared. This is probably crazy, but love and loving arent completely sane anyway. There will always be a girl inside the woman and an innocent within the vixen that will vie for attention, and just like all the parts of you, those parts of me deserve attention too. I can accept you, love you and cherish you in my life for who you are. Can you and will you do the same for me?
Posted on: Thu, 21 Aug 2014 04:38:37 +0000
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