I am not ready for Christmas. I dont mean in an overloaded, overworked, and under-shopped kind of way. I mean, Ive been to the local Parade of Lights, Ive attended (and won!) an Ugly Christmas Sweater party, Ive put up the tree and decorated my house, Ive played holiday music, and while all of these activities have been enjoyable, Im just not . . . feeling it. What does feeling it mean to me? A sense of excitement, maybe. At the very least, a sense of peace. A deep and abiding sense of oneness with the Universe and my fellow humans. Instead, my head is full of ugly headlines: children shot, children abducted, politicians playing handball with peoples financial stability, hostages held and slaughtered, innocents battered and/or killed by figures of authority, and black, green, gold, and rainbow-hued Mondays, Fridays, and every other day of the week urging me to buy and buy and buy. Im not into it. Some of this is circumstantial and personal. Instead of the big family/friends Christmases Ive had in the past, this is a small one, with just three of us and none of us young enough to believe in Santa anymore. We are a group in transition, and we have left behind old rituals and routines without having yet created new ones, in part because its different for us now every year. Its challenging, and maybe not even desirable, to create we always do X every year when the we in the equation is in flux. I am torn between wanting to create rituals for at least myself that have meaning, that bring me peace and joy, and between thinking I dont have to feel anything in particular about Christmas. I am not unhappy. I am not excited. I am simply present, one moment at a time, for whatever happens. I am sure that on Christmas Eve, we will do something to honor the spirit of the holiday, and I will be there and present for it. I am sure that on Christmas morning, Ill be feeling grateful for all I have and mindful of those who have less. I am accustomed, however, to being in a whirlwind of combined stress and excitement about a week before Christmas. This simple acceptance of it is what it is doesnt feel flat, but its also not the heady high Im used to. Could it be that this is okay? For those of you who are not madly shopping and wrapping presents, who are not jetting and driving around the country to see farflung loved ones (and who have no one jetting or driving to see you), who are finding this Christmastime simpler, quieter, less of a tinsel-strewn extravaganza, I wanted to reach out to say: yeah. Me, too. I dont think its bad. And it may well turn out to be amazing. I dont think I have to feel or know all that right this red hot second. For those of you who are feeling like you are supposed to be feeling or doing one thing or another, this is for you. Feel what you feel. Dont force what you dont. Allow the small blessings to reveal themselves, in their own good time--and stay present so that you dont miss them when they show up. I am having, so far, a quiet Christmas season. I think it might be just what I need.
Posted on: Fri, 19 Dec 2014 19:17:22 +0000
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