I am on a roll. Here is the first few unedited and unproofed pages of my second book, The Codependency Cure: Reversing the Human Magnet Syndrome. One would think that after the sweat and toil of writing my first book, the second one would flow freely and easily. After all, I have been ruminating about it since the beginning of my psychotherapy career - 1988. Actually, to be completely honest, I began thinking about it in 1978, when at age 17, I began to piece together my curious habit of self-destruction. As early as I can remember I needed to know how and why the world around me works. Like a compulsion, I cannot let go of a moment of curiosity without first finding the answer. Whether it was taking a part a broken TVs, transistor radios or stereos or pestering my parents with the constant “why is the sky blue?” questions, I have been seeking answers and explanation my whole life. To illustrate, I can only read a book if there is something for me to learn. The Internet, especially Google and YouTube, documentaries, books, magazines all have been my friends. I am even lulled to sleep by the whisper of information from my science podcasts. My collection of facts and explanations has served me well as it has helped me to connect to my body, my mind, humanity, and to the earth - the universe. Similar to my “explanation compulsion” I have always felt compelled to know more about how and why I have become me – the good, bad and ugly. Therapy, a study of psychology, continuing education and more therapy have gone a long way to fulfill my insatiable need to understand myself. More than my need to know who and why I am, I have been equally driven to understand my mistakes, those of which have caused me to feel separate from myself, others, and shameful about myself. My need to seek answers and explanations created the psychological environment from which my first book was born. The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us (HMS) would provide explanations/answers to my own relationship dilemma: why I repeatedly found myself falling in love with people who would eventually hurt me, or why I, the codependent kept falling in love with pathological narcissists. It not only dissected the codependent/narcissist dilemma, it attempted to answer it. Or, in other words, it explained why so many of us pursue soul mates, but perpetually end up with, as my dad once said, “cellmates.” It seemed that in almost every one of my 60 plus Human Magnet Syndrome seminars, one or more participants would push the question, “ok, but what do we do to change it…?” Instead of defending myself or being drawn away from the seminar’s focus, I would insist that “you can’t solve problems if you don’t first know exactly what it is, its origins, and the many factors that sustain and/or perpetuate them.” I would follow with, “neither someone’s intelligence, education, degrees, certification or self-proclamations of expertise, gets them any closer to solving a problem if they first don’t know exactly what they are treating.” Even with this response, I knew that I would eventually have to answer that question and write a companion seminar and book. My beloved “why” book, my baby, would need a “how to” sibling. Following-up on The Human Magnet Syndrome has been a labor of love – lots of labor and lots of love! Speaking of labor, childbirth is an experience that no words can truly describe, especially words articulated by a man! The fact that you and your loved one created something so perfectly perfect is mind boggling! Knowing that the little human you both created literally contains elements of everything you both were, are and going to be, is indescribably awe inspiring. But it is frightening too. Many men have witnessed their wife’s pronouncement: “never again!” After all, how can perfection be created twice while going through hell to get there? Considering the pain and suffering to get to number one, why would these women (and men) decide to go through it one more time? Why would combat wary parents consider a second child? The answer is not temporary insanity or amnesia, but to fulfill one’s life-long ambition to create a family of their dreams. The number of children doesnt complete a family. It is the family that completes the person. You may be wondering what’s up with all this baby talk? Well, let me tell you about my first non-human baby, my ever so perfect Human Magnet Syndrome! Giving birth to her was hell! However, like my real son Benjamin, she is perfect in every way. Even with her imperfections, she will always and forever be a part of me. More than that, I experience so much joy knowing that she has taken on an identity separate from her “family of origin.” I am truly a proud “parent”! Because she was never meant to be an only child, now is as good a time than any to create a sibling to make my little family whole. In other words, “giving birth” to a book that helped so many people understand their pattern of dysfunctional attraction to narcissists was never going to be enough. I needed a companion book to answer that ever so present question: “ok, but what do we do to change it…?” This book will attempt to answer it. Moreover, this book represents my ambition to help my reader to further distance themselves from the long line of past and future “cellmates” while getting them closer to the loving embrace of a much deserved soul mate.
Posted on: Sun, 18 Jan 2015 18:55:46 +0000
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