I am still not doing well. I did not get out of bed until 11 and did not shower. However, I went out of the house and got something to eat and bought some food at the supermarket, And, with help, I got my computer to work. I did not clean my apartment or do any work to build/maintain Next Steps or do any advocacy. . I got a phone call from someone who wants to help me build Next Steps. I “should” feel glad but I feel bad and resentful, In part I suspect because I am ashamed that I need help. Although most of my life, I wanted nothing so much as to motivate people to do things and I know that getting other people to help is the most important thing to do. I gave myself the title of Head organizer because I wanted to organize and empower other people. I know a lot about the theory of organizing The nature of my illness, is that I often “know” what to do. I simply do not do it Of course, it is more complicated than that. I do not even get to the part of thinking about what needs to be done. I simply stay in bed, or now, binge watch something on Netflix. And when I do think about the overwhelming problems in fixing the broken mental health and homeless systems in Illinois I do not have an answer as how to change them. If I do not know what I want how can I get it? I used to teach, and I believe the 1st step in getting what you want is wanting it. I even feel ashamed about things that are nothing to be ashamed of. Like turning 60. I feel old and feel that my life has been a waste and there is not time now to make it better and it can only get worse. And trigger alert, I am ashamed that I did not kill myself before now. While surfing web without real purpose, I came across a video about me (Who googles themselves?) https://youtube/watch?v=LIpl1q_JTHk I have gotten worse since then despite the fact that I have gotten a lot of help over the years. Well, I have a meeting tomorrow, maybe I will do better.
Posted on: Sat, 24 Jan 2015 03:07:20 +0000
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