I am typing this update for the worst of reasons, self pity and an the urge to feel less alone with the spoiled brats that I share my mind with. Today I received understandings that can not just save me from fears but make me immune to fear. And can give to a way to enjoy living which I didnt believe was a REAL possibility. How could anyone justify self pity in such condutions? Even I dont understand it. Maybe its a way of preparing for separation from the familiar. Maybe it shows that faith is at times not able to the bigger job that gives the change. I see as possible that I am looking at this in one of the most negative ways one could look. It feels like death. I cant fully recall... Its like a shadow, something LIKE the ego should not be expected to respond positively to any signs that it is going to be removed and replaced. Its perspective, its opinions. will be treated as like nothing. So maybe I AM suffering something. If the something that psychiatrists call the Ego has enough sense of being to respond to signs that it will lose its existance in the eyes of the mind which saw it as like herself, her me sense, then maybe my feeling so like self pity, does have some sense to it. BUT it could also be any of 3,4, or more other things. and most or all could be bad, NOT noble or in any sense admirable. Clearly Id rather share the worst of what is possible, than keep my thoughts and feeling to myself, as that feels very uncomfortable.
Posted on: Tue, 11 Mar 2014 06:05:26 +0000
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