I awoke last night with profound and deep emotion. Tears streamed down my face. Though it is common for me to have moving dreams that capture the emotion and pain of my childhood, the flavor of this dream was unfamiliar. Different. It was the first time I had vividly seen him since I was a young teenager. I loved my father. Recent conversations in the counseling office and different small groups have drawn out the process and healing that I have experienced regarding all that I wished I still had amidst his absence. I rejoice in the healing I have experienced within the void. I can still remember my last visit with him, as we walked together hand in hand in one of his favorite nature paths to walk. And this path provided the scene of my vivid dream. I could hear my dads voice telling me that at the end of our walk, that he had to go. That I would be okay. My 13 y/o self could barely contain the emotion and the grief. I knew how this story would turn out. I would never see him again as he would lose his life, and reliving that pain seemed unbearable. And then it happened. Hand in hand, he led me down the path. Assuring me along the way that my future would be secure, and imploring me to understand this one thing: he did the best he could. He wish he could give me more. But he needed to let go of my hand now. We were at the end of the path. I sobbed. I did not want to let go. I wanted to cherish this moment in time and experience the warm embrace of my fathers hand as long as I could. I did not want to wake up. Then, I saw Him. His hand was outstretched from a distance, extending out of the place the path appeared to end. His voice was assuring me, He would take it from here. My heart. My heart would be safe in His hands and He would provide my comfort. Dry my tears. Fill the void. I looked back to see my dad. He was no longer there. His job was done. He did the best he could. I now have permission to grieve. And it was okay for me to let that go. After all, I had Something new to grab a hold of.
Posted on: Wed, 05 Nov 2014 15:50:34 +0000
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