I call it the nihilists wall because when you find yourself sliding down that rabbit hole of meaning and purpose you hit a point where you begin to conclude that nothing matters. That there is no god or after life, that there is no purpose or meaning and that your actions and life are astronomically insignificant when placed in context of the unfathomable things we use to describe what little we know about our observable universe. And that sinking feeling is like being pinned against a perspex wall by the inertia of some horrible ride you cant get off. Trapped. Looking out over the universe as it accelerates away from you. And as you desperately look for the edge, to grasp the scale of it so you can find your place amongst it, it just keeps widening underneath you, accelerating faster and further away from you. Your scope fails. When is a matter for the individual. But you find yourself rapidly dragged beyond the horrible point of being overwhelmed but at least knowing where you were in relation to your world, into a monstrous universe aching over billions of years and spanning distances we try to represent in indices. And as if the possibility of falling into that wasnt nightmarish enough, you feel the pressure on that wall you are laying against build and you have no idea how much it can take before it cracks. But it will. And you stare frozen and lost until you find yourself unable to look any more at your horrible, inevitable fate. And as if your eyes drove it, when you finally shut them the acceleration stops. The pressure on the wall recedes, and you can fumble your way back into the world above and stagger towards your life. Doing your best to ignore what you just saw. We all experience it. Or will. It is a horrible epiphany and people find ways to back away from it, to distract themselves from it. For a while at least. And people will try to encourage you not to think about it, to think about something else for a little while more. Because its terrifying. But few are blessed with the option to not think and your life, despite what you felt, is very.. very long. It is a nightmare and can feel impossible. But there is a freedom when that wall cracks and for the first time you can look back and realise where you were.
Posted on: Sat, 16 Aug 2014 06:27:33 +0000
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