I can’t sleep nor am I actually awake. Its funny how my insomnia is a microcosm of my mental state. I feel as if I’m not dead nor alive. I wish I would get the balls to kill myself. I’ll finally sleep. Overcoming my fear of death is so difficult. I will die one day rather I want to or not. Why not today. Why don’t I for once show a little bravery and end my life. I have yet to get a piece of rope to end it. I’m supposed to work today but I can’t go back. I can’t tolerate my existence anymore. There comes a point where you have to change and move into the next phase. My next phase is death. I am so lonely and empty and anxious. I pick scabs off of my face. I’ve lost my mind. It can no longer function (assuming I ever could) I’m overwhelmed by the simple. Socializing might as well be complex chemistry. I keep thinking about how I’ll hurt my family. I hope they can forgive me. That they can move on. I hope none of them repeat my actions. It’s unfair honestly. I’m too depressed to function. I can only write these posts and fail at my job. My brain feels broken. I feel like I move in slow motion. I really can’t put into words this feeling of absolute hopelessness. This feeling of absolute helplessness. One may ask why I feel this way but that is a difficult answer. There are reasons but they’re moot. The many things that have and continue to depress me helped me draw the conclusion life isn’t worth living. I don’t understand why people want to live honestly. I guess some people have more around them to numb themselves. Or are better @ viewing their lives through rose colored glasses. I wish I had that ability. Maybe then I’d have hope. Only the animal instinct that tells me to fear death preserves me now. Hopefully I’ll undo my programming and do what I should’ve done along time ago. :(
Posted on: Sat, 06 Dec 2014 11:56:18 +0000