I come from a very poor family,my father left my mom n us 2 kids on the side of the road and drove off one day....I was about 4,is my earliest memory I can recall....life was hard, I grew up living on the steets of Johannesburg,many years living on those streets,on building rooftops,in alleys...grew up tough,n hard!but inside..Im a real softie, I feel, I hurt, I bleed ,I cry...but u will never see that, I will not show u my weaknesses! have suffered with depression my entire life. I witnessed a murder when I was 7,and it has haunted me my entire life...I been on all kinds of medication my entire childhood, so it came as no surprise that I was a prescription addict by age 11....by 13,I discovered marijuana and mandraz(qualludes) and by 14, cocaine and acid(LSD)...full on drug addict by 15. By 21, had spent 2 years in prison....when my wife was murdered,I kept my shit together,when my mom died, I kept my shit together....when I lost custody of my daughter,I lost my shit big time! I spent 2 years chasing my addiction,and when I was told(and given a death certificate)that my daughter had died in a car accident,I really lost it! I did my utmost to kill myself,without actually killing myself,to make the hurt end..it took walking away from everyone and everything I knew to fight my addiction,and win. I spent from 2007 to 2014 without using anything more than weed....drug addiction has followed me throughout my life,there is not a day I am not tempted....I still smoke weed, thats MY safety on MY addiction. I feed it enough to only still its hunger....recently, I had a relapse due to extreme depression and unhappiness,I smoked some qualuudes(mx) and did few lines....ripe for falling into adiction again,at the lowest point I have been at since 1997 when wife died....and I felt frikn guilty that I had a relapse....thats no big deal,,,,but is a big deal to me! First time I have ever felt guilty about my addiction. I need to fight this,and can only fight this alone as its alone when my demons torment me and burn my soul with the promise of oblivion and respite from the hurting....my name is Carl, I am a drug addict and Im doing my damndest to be a better person. :)
Posted on: Fri, 07 Nov 2014 22:46:08 +0000
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