I dont know how to start this properly, so I just will. My father passed away in the early morning on the 23rd of october. Looking back at the time difference between where I live and Texas, it was almost the exact time I went to bed. Ironically the same time they had left for the emergency room a few nights before, was also the same exact time I had gone to bed. Sleeping during someone elses pain. Its just a strange thought for me. To say My father is dead. Doesnt effect me the way it should, I think, sometimes. And thats a strange thought for me as well. A lot of strange thoughts right now. However thats what this is, a strange thing. I had prepared myself, I thought, for what was coming. We all knew it would happen eventually. For awhile we all thought it would happen sooner than later, but he would pull through and everything we would be fine . . . and he would race his cars. (Anyone who knows him knows what Im talking about.) When you get the call and you are told he is no longer alive you realize you werent as prepared as you thought. Memories and ways of thinking flood your mind in ways you werent ready for. It wasnt immediate, the realization didnt hit me for hours. It was when Charitys step mom sent me an email with sympathy for our loss that it hit me. People are sending me warm wishes and prayers. Thats when it hit me. My father and I had a difficult relationship. There were more physical and verbal altercations than I care to admit. It was usually in defence of my mother but thats doesnt justify it. Towards the end I had wanted to write a letter to him. Explaining my actions to him over the last few years. Apologizing for my inability to see through certain aspects. I wanted him to know I loved him and didnt hate him. I sat down to start this letter many times. I never wrote it. Even the night I heard he had gone into the emergency room I thought Ill sit down and write it now, when he gets back home it will be waiting in this email. He would never read it. He passed without waking up from surgery. It would have talked about our fights. It would have asked questions like Why did you ever say that to me? or I just want to know why you cant show things. I know these answers or at least what I have given myself as answers. But I wanted to know from him. I wanted his answers. It would have also apologized greatly. It would have set things right. It would let my dad know me. I hope he knew me. He seemed so wrapped up in his electronics I wonder if he ever really knew me. Its strange to know my dad is gone. To have it so fresh still is even stranger. Dads and Moms dont die. So your brain subtly thinks throughout your life. You forget they will. Even when you know its coming its like your brain wont fully realize the impact. Feeling a death is different from thinking about it. I know this post has gone nowhere, made no real statement. It was just for me. A few of the many things I have to sort out right now. And by the way dad, I raced your car this morning. Nicely done. :)
Posted on: Thu, 24 Oct 2013 16:58:03 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015