I dont really have time to think about and say what I want, but TODAY, yes, September 13, 2014 is the day Im believing GOD has again begun a good and GOD work in me, releasing me from fear that has consumed and controlled me for over 40 years now. I have lived in fear, worry, intimidated by everyone I know and come in contact with...daily Ive believed the enemy when he tells me that no one REALLY likes me, Im too ugly, fat, stupid, slow, annoying, weird, socially awkward, and just plain unlikeable...I have believed this every single day of my life as far back as i can remember, Ive lived in fear that people would not like my family because of me, that I would embarrass my family, my church, my friends, and anyone else associated with me, Ive feared that I would never be able to be good enough, as a wife, mother, friend, and most of all, as a daughter of my heavenly FATHER. Ive lived in constant worry that everything I say and do might hurt or offend someone somewhere or that my excessive loving everyone scares people and makes them whisper about how strange she is behind my back. Ive tried to work as hard as I could at being perfect at everything or being liked by everyone, only to feel like Ive failed at all of each, esp one thing: Since I was about 5 years old, Ive wanted to be a Mommy, Ive always wanted a little boy, every since my brother was born, Ive wanted it so much it hurt, I cried, I knew I didnt deserve for GOD to bless me with one child, much less another one after I got married, and I love my children more than I want to live or eat or breathe (all moms understand this)....but Ive daily been frustrated, some days flat out hated myself because Im just not good enough as a mom or anything else.....again, fear controls and consumes me all the time, and I can be an expert at hiding that, smiling, ignoring how I feel, and ironically no one really seems to know me, the real me that is completely intimidated by you, everyone of you, all of you are better, better at something, better at everything, and I dont want anyone else to see or know Im good at anything, well, except me and GOD, but its just who I used to be, fearful, worried, intimidated....but today as precious ladies and Beth Moore prayed for those of us who needed to be set free from fear, I just really decided I wanted to be free and believe GOD, and I dont want to forget that....now I dont know that anyone else will notice any difference but I hope that I can enjoy GOD and enjoy life and enjoy peace and just be closer to HIM and not afraid of everything and everyone everywhere.... I am so thankful for godly ladies who pray and care....thank you all....I dont want to forget today, I want to be different now and again tomorrow and the next day....so pray if you made it this far that I will NOT go back to my comfort zone of fear, it is all Ive ever known, abused over and over as a child, living in scary situations since I was born (although I dont recall them), I was raised in fear, I learned to cope by only sorta but not really trusting anyone because often it was family that hurt me or misused me or mistreated me or abused me.....but GOD has allowed me to overcome so many things that resulted from my past, why would I not let HIM have this too?
Posted on: Sat, 13 Sep 2014 22:26:04 +0000
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