I dont talk about this publically but due to certain posts I feel it may be the time to....... I lost my best friend due to suicide at the end of 2003. He was the funniest, most crude, insightful and talented person id ever met. I knew he battled demons since I first met him in 1996. He tried to hide them sometimes but usually spoke to me when he was struggling. I suffered from depression at the same time.... it was something that bound us as mates. I remember us each having no family to spend Christmas with for a few a few years..... Jason and I made a pact to spend it together.....or else he was going to share a tin of catfood with his cat.......he always said these things tongue in cheek and so our regular holiday thai food restaurant dates were born. He came from a a very disciplined Chinese family...his father was a doctor. He had grown up here tho and had the gnarliest bogan accent ever :). owned a guitar shop in kings x... I used to crash there when I was homeless...lol. Jase always described his depression as free floating anxiety..... or as I can totally relate to a heavy feeling of impending doom. He had no idea why depression had chosen him.... that was the scary part, but it ruled his life. It seemed he was constantly trying to climb a mental ladder to hide his darkness from everyone. He knew to talk to people when he was down.....he wasnt silly or too proud. I fell pregnant with my beautiful boy Rolan and things were looking up for me.....I got out of Kings x and all the shit that came with the Big Sick Show as jase described it. I moved to Newcastle with my baby and new family...... Jase and I made a deal to still play in a band together... he made the pilgrimage to Newcastle fortnightly to jam. The last time I saw him, he told me the antidepressants he was taking had been taken off the market... his doctor was in the process of switching him to something new. This was a struggle for him as his brain withrew from one med and onto the new one.....I told me he felt worse than ever. He also told me that he had contemplated suicide..... but was smart enough to call a mutual friend of ours, who seemed a little spooked but was willing to lend an ear..... Jason felt a bit stupid after such a call. He phoned me a fortnight later..... gave me some very special and meaningful advice that I will keep locked in my heart forever... And then told me that he was still battling his feelings of ending everything.... he had called the same mutual friend as previously. But this friend didnt want to be weighed down by someone elses stuff..... he was still spooked and too busy to sit with jase a little til the feeling passed. Again Jase felt guilty and ridiculous..... he wouldnt make that mistake again. I received the phonecall a week later.... Jase had finally taken his own life. I was angry.....I was devastated......I think I looked up beyond my own ceiling and yelled at him. My world literally felt like it was knocked off its axis..... Jase was aware of what was happening to him........and after much contemplation, I realised this wasnt selfish..... The hardest part for me to deal with was imagining how bad he felt that night when he silently, after hanging on for years in agony, decided there was no other option. He tried everything..... he felt like a burden on friends for reaching out... Im not going to tell people how to manage such situations.... to each their own. But know that suicide isnt always selfish..... Its a last resort.... Especially after hanging on for years to keep everyone happy. So please.... we all say its easy to prevent a mates descent into darkness.. just understand that mate..... thats all.
Posted on: Thu, 14 Aug 2014 03:09:11 +0000
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