I dont understand it.. I have no car or transportation.. The furthest I can get a job is at Amazon; my Cna License expires 6/11/2015 so I NEED A CNA JOB.. Caleb will be here in like 8 weeks give or take.. Even then I dont have garenteed way to and from work. I have lost so many good jobs due to transportation issues and car crash.. Help seems to be a joke. .. And Ive lost my home, living with my grandparents.. My grandmother has dementia and I have to find a place to stay.. Life and time is not on my side.. Ambitions are fading and so is my mood.. Im stuck and on the verge of being homeless.. And it seems no matter what I do its not good enough or something stands in my path.. Im done being shot down, and I refuse to live this way.. Praying does nothing but give false hopes to a dream of Makebelieve.. I so wanna it to stop.. Just everything, the screaming and yelling, this fake family, crying, nagging, and sleepless nights of balling and worry.. The countless attempts of trying but going no where, the disrespect and humiliation, and through all of this Caleb and Sarah are worth it.. But Im starting to think I am not, so much I want this but so much its out of my reach.. They deserve better than this.. Maybe as much as I want it, Im just not cut out for it.. If it was not for caleb and Sarah i would not be here for a moment more.. Through all this darkness, I find brightness in them.. And it makes me determined to push through just for them.. So I continue ; Now Im hanging by a thread that seems to be Wrapping around my lifeforce.. I just dont know what to do anymore.. Where to go.. Or how to fix this.. I need help.. Emotional, physical and all forms.. My mom helps but cant do much, the rest of my family seems to toss me around like hand me down clothes.. My father..... Lets just not go there.. Im out of options and time.. In debt.. And my motivation is there beside me always.. My means are diminished.. And Im crumbling under all this weight and pressure.. Everyone has advice but no one is in my shoes or position.. And no one is the solution to the problems that seem to keep adding and piling up on me.. All I seen is my mom, doing what she can.. My grandparens letting me stay.. Briefly.. And Sarah and Caleb still by my side.. Love seems to be the only thing getting me through this struggle and strife.. But that seems to not be enough for me... Because I believe Caleb deserves more and Sarah too.. I can fight the overwhelming manic depression, the manic bipolar, anxiety.. But I cant seem to fight this position I am in... Please god... Dont make me doubt you too... Help me.. Give me the strength to do this.. To survives this.. Or at least an answer.. End the struggles or at least make a path.. I swear I will do the rest.. My knees are getting weaker the closer he is here.. If anything Id rather drop to my knees knowing everything will be OK.. Instead of praying and crying and worrying and stressing.. Idk what to do anymore.. Please help.. Amen
Posted on: Mon, 05 Jan 2015 21:01:02 +0000
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