I dont usually put anything highly personal on Facebook; I know thats not the norm or perhaps even the desire those whove chosen to connect with me have. But tonight I feel the need. There have been many hurdles to overcome in the last six years when my ex and I split. I was penniless, carless, jobless, and essentially houseless since I couldnt inhabit the property I owned. I took the first job I could get my hands on, frankly promoted myself beyond my ability, got the job, and went straight to the bookstore to teach myself the code I needed to know that Id just claimed to be a whiz at. I had three days to master it. I must have passed that first day well, because he kept me around for a year and then, when work ran slim, introduced me to the family I work for today, who are truly angels, and Ive been with for four years. A year later, I sold my first NY series and managed to put the truck back together so it was functional, and on the heels of that, slowly worked on getting my property in liveable order. Ive scrubbed the bottom of the barrel at times to feed livestock I love. Other times, its been easy and money flows. I started an editing business that made 1200 the first year, because I didnt have the heart to charge anyone, and then it grew by 1000% the following year, and has grown steadily since then. Ive typed my fingers off, writing books for publishers, agents, readers, and even just myself. Always doing what it took to generate that next buck, even if it meant two hours of sleep or not watching movies with the kids. Ive dreamed big, watched dreams fall apart, started over, and have never lost hope or the belief that tomorrow it will all be better. Ive done what I can for my friends. I cant buy them things they need or even want; I cant spontaneously spot a night on the town. But I can be there with the phone, and theres no one who I love, who if they needed me, I wouldnt beg, borrow, or steal what was necessary to get to them. But sometimes, its incredibly hard to see a brighter tomorrow. Tonight is an example. I lost someone who meant the world to me, who despite some troubled waters, I would have moved heaven and earth for. Tonight was the final end of a five year relationship that mostly severed several months ago, and culminated in the bottom line that Im not financially sound enough. Not because were incompatible; not because we fight...because I cant answer the question of when I can be an equal financial partner. And I know many of you will rush in and mention thats shallow, that I deserve better, but I cant say he is a bad person or heartless or even shallow. At the same time, all the positive words in the world dont change the crappy feeling that comes with having it driven home that all the hard work, blood, sweat, and tears Ive put forth in the last six years, that how far I have come...isnt far enough to make a difference. Its easy to be bitter; its easy to jump to the Ill show you, damn it attitude. But I dont want to be that person. The bottom line is, he didnt want me, or the boys, enough. And all of you have been there at some point, when the person who means the most tramples your heart into the ground, not out of meanness, but with sincere, honest, and even, ironically, kindness. I guess thats why I write romance. Those of you close to me, will recognize Misunderstanding Mason comes from a broken piece of my heart. As does, to some degree, Shatter Me, my upcoming Brazen. I get to control the outcome. I cant control the truck with 335,000 miles on it falling apart. I cant control how someone feels about me. I can control how hopes and dreams play out, while I search for my own happily ever after--both individually for myself and with someone who wants to invest in the wonderful things my boys and I have to offer. But if Im not all smiles and laughter for the next few days, while I hole up and lick my wounds, please dont think Im being antisocial or I dont want to talk to you. Im doing what I always do--putting my nose to the grindstone to make tomorrow better than today. Its all I know how to do...even if it wasnt enough.
Posted on: Sat, 13 Dec 2014 06:21:50 +0000