I feel ill. Cameron is a family friend. My moms close friend Merrills son. I did not know Cameron was on the plane when I got the news this morning, but the news hit me hard as a bereaved mom anyway. I immediately remembered our Brandon being bombed with the other pilots in Kabul, and all the terrible sadness of that. I remembered the way my own body reacted the second I was told Deborah, theres been an accident... on 26 Oct 2007...our Harvey boy....and how within 1 sec I was stuck on the flipping loo and heaving as well, and hating my body for reacting that way, because I was wasting time!!! I needed to get to him, even though there was nothing I could do anyway. The days, weeks, months and years of wanting to get away from the pain, I have no adequate words for, and now I know yet another mother I care about, is in shock tonight, not knowing how to get herself to a place where the pain no longer exists. There is nowhere to go, no place where the pain relents, even slightly. No distraction...none at all. Nothing on the whole planet is capable of distracting or detracting from that pain, even for 1 second. You try to find things. Find people. And when they cannot ease the pain, you need to go...Go? Go where? Well, somewhere else where the pain might lessen, but again, there is nowhere. You pace. You breathe faster. Your mind races so much you are nauseous. Claustrophobically hemmed in and no place to get out of an impossible, impossible place to be. And there is no relenting. Or so it seems.Except perhaps in sleep but even there the dreams torment you. It takes too long for the body and mind to get used to the pain to be comforted by the truth that time heals. But 6 years on, I now can see that I have moved to a place where the pain is bearable. But when death knocks on our village door again, like today, I freeze. I remember. I know. And I hurt. Bless you Merrill and Doug. Bless you Cameron as you find yourself making a new friend called Harvey. Small comfort knowing that you will show him the ropes, my boy, but its all we have to hold onto right now. Bless ALL my bereaved parent friends, and also all those who walk with me, wide eyed, and mostly silent in respect of an unfixable situation.
Posted on: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 18:58:32 +0000
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