I feel like Im living in a nightmare that I cant wake up from, and the truth is that I am. You walked away after I gave you everything for the last nine months, and that may not seem like a long time to many people, but it was long enough for you to captivate me and leave me here in pieces. Nobody can say anything, and nobody can do anything, because theyre speechless that its really over between us. I wasnt the only one who thought we would last forever. I guess I could technically say that it gets easier because I didnt cry yesterday at all. The tears tried to come out, but I forced them back, and I put makeup on for the first time since it happened. I cant believe its already been seven days. Ive been walking around in a cloud, in a black haze that feels impossible to get through. I havent spent one moment alone, but I still feel lonely because I cant believe that youre no longer mine. I cant call you baby. Youre not there in the morning when I wake up, and youre not there to sleepily pull me close at night, your hand nestled firmly between my breasts, my heart full of you at every moment of the day, even when we argue. You no longer belong to me; but I still belong to you. I see so many relationships fail around me every day. Ive seen it my whole life. But I guess I didnt think it would happen to me. I didnt think that we would ever not be we or that people would ask about you and I would have to tell them that I dont know how youre doing, because I cant even hear your name or see a restaurant in passing in the car that we used to go to, or even listen to music because everything reminds me of you and the pain is indescribable... And knowing youre just fine is what hurts the most. Knowing that I wasnt enough to keep you happy - and that someone else out there will - is worse than any of the moments we spent fighting, or arguing, or getting on each others nerves. I miss all of you, even the parts you cant stand. And thinking about you eventually being with someone else is what makes me physically sick inside. Its why I cant eat, its why I cant sleep in a bed and I sleep on a couch, its why I havent been inside my apartment since the day you left. Because I know you are stronger than I am simply because you have a hard time feeling anything at all, and I am so jealous that I cant be that way. I wish I could forget you completely and that I could get up and go to work and function properly and actually be happy, not fake it. But I cant even wash my hair. I cant even be sober. I cant even give you friendship, because I dont know how to give you anything other than everything. And I go back and forth with it throughout the day, between moments of anger and knowing I deserve better and moments where I feel like I cant even breathe. I dont deserve someone who doesnt realize how amazing I am and will walk away. When youre really in love with someone, the feelings dont just disappear; they grow more every day, like mine did for you. I fell in love with you all over again every time I woke up next to you in the morning, while you fell out of love with me more and more with each passing day. But that just means you never really loved me at all; you just loved the idea of me. And that in itself should make it easier, but instead, it makes it harder; because you made me believe that you wouldnt break me, even though you told me you would from the start. I probably should have listened. Before I met you, I never believed that there was anyone out there who would desire to spend the rest of their life with me. But when I found you, I wasnt looking for you - you just stumbled in and captured me. I still remember the first time you walked into my apartment, the apartment that I still have to stay in while you get to start over in a new one. Your ghost haunts the hallway, and the bedroom, and the shower. Im going to switch bedrooms with my roommate, just so I dont have to walk through the hall to stay locked in my room once Im actually strong enough to walk through the front door. I have to start over, and I have to move on. And as much as I dont believe that there is another woman out there who is more beautiful and who will want me as much as you used to, Im holding onto hope that, eventually, I will. It feels like I have an anchor attached to my feet and hands and I am descending into an endless abyss, and I am okay with it. Because I dont want to come up for air unless youre waiting for me on the surface.
Posted on: Fri, 01 Aug 2014 17:23:44 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015