I feel like im facing all my suffering from the last 7 years at once. Somewhere along the way I lost it....there was just too much loss, too many let downs, and too many bad men. Ive been running for years. Suddenly, Im faced with the hurt head on. Suddenly im realizing whats happened. and it hurts. I used to be able to pull myself together, be the strong one. But I slipped. I lost it. My brain gave up. Depression, poat traumatic stress, and eventually anxiety set in. I never realized thats what was happening to me. I couldnt understand why my other friends moved forward, got married, and went after their dreams. And I just went round and round in the same deadly circle. Almost ruined one of my closest friends weddings, replaying scenarios my friends went through, just to see if I could survive. Fighting. Drinking. Smoking. Using. There was no limit. Even the craziest people would remove themselves from me for their own safety. It time I heal. Its time I understand acceptance. I think over the next month im going to visit the graves and/or homes of those close to me Ive lost. Resvisit the places where Ive been hurt, damaged, treated like less than human. Understand that they DO exist, but they cant hurt me anymore. Maybe not even in my dreams now... My first stops: ALISON BARTLETT JARED THAYER CHRIS DELGADO RENEE ABBOT CURTIS COLEMAN and of course make it out to Nevada to see my AYNSLEY, sober, for the first time. And after all that, I think ill go see my Jessica, for the first time in 3 years. Its time I heal the correct way, day by day. One loved one at a time. As for the other mishaps I wont be able to let it go, until I can accept that it was real. Maybe then, ill drop the self-pity and why me, why them attitude. Begin celebrating life, rather than dwelling on death. Confront the abusers from afar, and KNOW that they will NEVER EVER hurt me again.
Posted on: Tue, 15 Oct 2013 17:30:24 +0000
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