I feel like today was a really important day. First: I went with Banjos class to the botanic gardens. It was his teacher, Mrs.Bs idea. (Have I mentioned she spent an hour of her own time talking to me on the phone the other night? During the same week where she spent an hour meeting with me and Michael? Yes.) she thought it would be good for both of us. I knew it would be good for him and possibly for me but worried over the flash back factor - that last time I was there was when I brought Caleb to meet up with his class. Everything was so happy that day, and his class was so happy to see him and he them and we had lots of fun and I worried about the crowds and the germs when we went in the greenhouse parts, and we rushed off early to catch our ride to Sloan for his OT/PT appointments. Its all so vivid. Not to mention all the other BBG memories with Caleb, like those beautiful superman pics Krista took, so many years ago, or trips with Papa and Nee. Sigh. When I was waiting in the school lobby I realized other classes were also going. I was sitting on benches apparently surrounded by parents i dont know, from a different class. One of them started complaining about the fact that the kids would be traveling by subway, pretty much implying that she was chaperoning because of her worries about the safety of such an arrangement. Something in her phrasing made me feel nervous/anxious. like - lady please dont talk in a theoretical sense about your fears of something happening to your kid. I cant even hear this. (Im not explaining this right but I dont know how, so, moving on). Not realizing that I was from a different class, the woman next to me ask who is your child? I opened my mouth and for a moment got confused. I almost said Caleb. After a weird pause I said Banjo and that he was in another class. Please dont think anything terrible but to tell you the truth I had to take a chill pill at this point. Thankfully, Hope was joining along for moral support, and Jim and Carolyn too. Once I was amongst friends I felt a little better. The class came downstairs and we were on our way. Banjo was upset. I could tell from his story that something that was not an actual big deal felt like a really big deal to him. He sometimes gets very distraught about getting called out on any sort of misbehavior. Then on the walk, someone pushed or bumped him leading his (poorly tied) shoe to come off leading he and I to fall behind the group. He said it was the worst day ever. I didnt bother arguing with the obvious insanity of such a proclamation. Hope and I kept reassuring him that kids get a little talking to here and there and no not everything is always perfectly fair and just and/but its actually Not a Big Deal. Arriving at the gardens was way less triggering for me than I expected, because we went in through a different entrance than Ive ever used. We had picnic table lunch. The kids at our table were for the most part really sweet and sharing of food etc. I was glad I packed enough to allow for generosity. Approaching the benches near the cafe.... pictures of Caleb and Cliff, ecstatic to be reunited, flashed through my head. I sort of braced myself for the greenhouse stuff. It was very empty as opposed to the way it was completely crowded last time, so it seemed different. And it was great to see how excitedly the kids took off with their little work sheets and enthusiastically did everything. Banjo happily sketched plants and wrote answers to the questions. In one section he saw the plants that give us the lulav and etrog for Sukkot, and he excitedly picked those for drawing and reporting on. He saw a cacao plant, like he and Caleb and Frank studied last year. I took pictures too. Since my phone is so full and my iPad is big, I brought Calebs iPad and used it as my camera. It felt strange. We showed MrsB his sketches and I said how hes loving drawing. She asked him if for his upcoming project on the leaning tower of Pisa he could do a sketch. He got really excited about it. He loves drawing so much right now that he got super excited for EXTRA HOMEWORK. thats pretty hard core. Anyway. There was more stuff at the gardens, more places, more walking, more memories. I signed him out after the trip and took him a separate way to make our way home alone. On the way home he started saying he didnt want to go to therapy. Hes too TIRED. Hes a little bit SICK. oh hey can we get off the bus and stop at Barnes and Noble? No, no, no. I told him going to therapy was not optional. We were getting a ride. Her building has an elevator. Too tired not an excuse (ESP if asking for a shopping trip). Once we were home I started to throw it out there - maybe being tired isnt the reason for not wanting to go to therapy. We talked. Therapy is hard work in a different way. Not with your muscles. He started letting it out a little. I said I know. I understand. Its HARD to want to GO somewhere to deal with feelings that are really upsetting!!! I asked him if he knew why I want him to go. To make me miserable? I talked about how it is good and okay that most of the time he can have fun etc but something really really horrible has happened and its important to at least do a little work to address those sad feelings because otherwise they can get worse or hurt more or cause problems later. He pushed me to really justify it, to really explain it. I said that I worry that if he doesnt get therapy then he will have a harder time or more problems later. He wanted specifics. When I balked at giving him more things to worry about he said that now *I* was avoiding worrisome stuff or said you cant even think of anything bad!. He wanted a list of a few. So, as he counted on his fingers, I said I worry about the idea that when you are older you might _____ because you didnt have enough therapy after your brother died. And I tried to say things that were real and true and not too sanitized but not too terrifying. I also told him that another mommy recently told me her daughter went through something traumatic as a child, and was a lot like banjo, and down the line she wished she had gotten her daughter more therapy even though she was so okay. He started to ask questions about this but agreed that there was no point in borrowing someone elses traumas so accepted not knowing. In light of all this, I asked him if I could go into therapy with him today. His answer sort of reminded me of a different version of a Caleb style begrudged consent. It wont be worse. Okay then. As he was recovering from this conversation I showed him that the comic book store owner had praised his drawing on Facebook. His face lit up like crazy. So we went to therapy together. I think it was really good. We spent a sort of long time explaining all the background of talking about therapy and deciding I would join him. Usually he has to color a heart to show how much he has in his heart this week of each feeling: happy, sad, scared, mad. Today Amy gave us a new deal. He would draw my heart and I would draw his. I was a little intimidated by such a challenge but we both got into it. When he went over the heart he drew for me he had to say things that make me feel happy. That you dont have to work. That you sometimes can sleep late. Tears poured out of my eyes. Happy? No. While I am glad Im not working and that I can sometimes sleep late, neither of those things make me feel HAPPY. I realized that what makes me feel HAPPY is all about Banjo. How hes loving to draw. How he can be kind and generous and sweet. And, I added later because I forgot to say it, how he says amazing things like talking about painting sunshine on the sidewalks. He knew what makes me sad. Caleb is dead. He knew what makes me mad. Caleb is dead. He knew thats even what makes me scared. Caleb is dead. I talked about the heart I drew for him. I put happiness in the outer areas. Thats what is visible from outside. Happiness from art, and from family and friends. I put his sadness in the middle, in a big swirl. I said - because Caleb is dead. But, as B once said thats a million sad things in one. So I broke it into two. One is that he doesnt have his brother to play with, to be with, to fight with. Family and friends are making up for it the best they can and so is banjo and that is good. But some things are special between brothers. And his brother is gone. The other piece is simply that his whole family is sad. And thats sad. I said the scared and mad were sort of scattered and also about Caleb being dead. But actually he said hes not mad about Caleb being dead (only about injustices at school!). I know hes scared. At first I couldnt place it but then we realized. Hes scared someone else will die. Something else had will happen. All THREE of us are scared something bad might happen. He got to have a few extra minutes of gym time. He agreed to let me come next week. I promised next week since we wont be explaining why we are there together, hell have more time for fun stuff - choice time basically. En route home he drew me a fox. When we got home he finished up the leaning tower of Pisa with Nees help as well as a great idea from Papa. There was some drama. But we solved it. And the picture is amazing. I will wait until hes shown it to the class before sharing/posting it.
Posted on: Fri, 18 Oct 2013 06:31:15 +0000
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