I feel so lost right now. Tired, or even beyond tired. I feel completely drained. Its been such a heavy year. Ive been breaking free from a long, dead, relationship, I became homeless, moved in with my parents house in my hometown, I am broke and I am still blocked in my art and cant work. I was reading my secret diary, to see what kind of journey Ive made this last year. I am so happy I am here, after all. If I hadnt been brave enough to leave my boyfriend, and our house, and risk everything - and to lose everything, I would still be stuck in this horrible place: Sunday, January 5, 2014 It feels like Im experiencing the same day over and over again right now. We wake up at two in the afternoon, its always four degrees above zero, rain, grey skies and the light feels inverted and cast shadows rather than illuminate the room. Everything is colored in silver tones, including myself. I wake up with doubts every morning. I know this relationship will end, soon. And its all up to me. I cant talk to him. The words fail me and wont leave my inside. Theres only silence. Every day, the same silence. As the resin of painful feelings. Silence, slow as if you could pull it like taffy. Sticky. Difficult to remove. His apathy. It doesnt matter what we do, what we eat, if we even do anything, if we even eat something. Theres the same wall of indifference every day. Sometimes I lean against it, but most of the times its in the way of what I want to feel - what I want to experience. And this constant sarcasm and condescending tone that is sewn into every laugh. Laughing while giving criticism can be called jokes, he says. But theres no fun in being criticized. I try not to care, but I know I do. Ive lived with this for five years. I feel rage. Hour after hour, I try to disconnect the feeling that I am a prisoner here. So many hours. Sleeping makes that feeling all blurred out. No wonder I sleep as long during the day. His love is practical and familiar. The flame that connects us is weak. I yearn to burn with someone! I want to set the world on fire with my love. Im not afraid of getting burned. It is way more frightening to know that the warm flame has quietly converted into a frosty night. I want to change my life. I want to be free, I want to be happy! I feel revolutionary. Sometimes it has to hurt for a while in order for the pain to heal completely.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Nov 2014 16:51:08 +0000
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