I feel that I owe all of my Facebook friends an apology today… since I’ve been on the social network, I’ve read numerous comments of how the words that I’ve shared have encouraged you…but so often…I don’t listen to your words of encouragement that you so lovingly give back…and I don’t always take them to heart like you mean for me too…I’m stubborn…I come by it honestly… I’ve had this on my mind all night…and this morning I’ve thought about some key people in my life today…and how I never expected anyone to help me in the ways that Cynthia, Rebecca, Mindy, Dani,Tim and Katherine have. ...and over the past 2.5 years... and even today, Ive found out that Im human...(surprise, surprise...) Sometimes Ive tried harder than other times...sometimes Ive made excuses and you or someone else have called me on it in one way or another...many have helped and encouraged and supported...and even with that, sometimes I lose sight of why and how, and I make mistakes...but then I get back on track because it’s important to me...I didnt understand that at the beginning...and I sure don’t understand it all now…but I’m going to accept it… All this week, Ive been fretting about turning thirty...and this morning I felt like dirt...You see, when I wished my 100 year old patient a happy birthday this morning, she thanked me for reminding her that today was her birthday...and for the rest of the night she was all smiles... No, I dont have a thing to complain about… I am blessed...and I have a choice Saturday...I think Ill choose to smile...Heck…why wait until Saturday! :) I always want to say that others have done these things for me…it’s safer that way, because then if everything falls to pieces, then I can opt out and say it wasn’t meant to be…But a good friend reminded me that I have a choice today…The choice has been mine all along… I could have decided that it was too hard...but I didnt want that... That’s not what I want…What I want is often hard...but the choice is still mine... I love my job...and some mornings when I am hurting, I think to myself...Why did I want a job that was so physical...what happened to that desk job that I thought I wanted...and needed. But I know now that I would not be satisfied sitting behind a desk...not now anyways...Nobody puts baby in a corner... ...but if it wasnt for me wanting it and being willing to try... and doing it with help, then I would have never reached that dream... Besides the smile, the other gift that I want to give myself for my birthday is a recommitting to try my best…Since the first time I met Mindy, that is all that she asked of me…is that I try to best… In 2010 I overheard the doctor telling my parents, If she cant do this and isnt able to take care of herself...then shell be in a nursing home at the age of 28... Ive never thought about living to be 100...what are the chances? ...but today, I dont want to rule it out...not quite yet... But dear Lord, if that is your will…for me to die an old lady in my bed…please, please let me keep my mind… No one promised me any of this was going to be easy...but I promised to try...and I will do that to the best of my ability... Something I did for weeks right after I came home from the hospital (weird as it sounds) was writing my own obituary and things I wanted to be included in my funeral…I was reminded of that this morning by loving words of a friend who stepped on my toes a little bit…and I needed it… What I realized this morning is this, that every time that I let the “what-if’s” rule over my mind…that I am doing the same thing, only in a different way…worry eats away and steals all of the joy that God wants us to have…I believe that…because I live that way far too often…and isnt that just where that old devil would be happy for me to stay... When I make room for, and fill in those “what-if” spaces in my life, I am still trying to write the story that I should be living…I cant do that anymore I’m going to be thirty on Saturday…and I want to live my story instead... No worries, Ill keep sharing my journey in the same way, writing…but dialogue...plot...whatever you call it is not for me to write…because I don’t know all of the “what if’s”… But again on Saturday, I was reminded who does… and that thirty or 100,God already sees all of the pennies (the smallest detail) on my walk with Him…He just wants me to come and walk with Him… ...I dont do a very good job at it...but that is what I want (and need) Tim Anderson…I want to come…and trust and live…Thanks for reminding me in a loving way… (I hear you) I see some things that I still need to change at thirty…and I’m going to work on them…because these are the things that are important…living, loving, letting go, health, happiness, and hard work…believing, being willing, and trying my best... EVERYDAY... Its time to do something...Right Now...
Posted on: Wed, 09 Apr 2014 18:39:20 +0000
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