I find myself looking at a Facebook page of a friend who i cannot talk to anymore, will never see again, and find myself missing so much at this time of year. She is one who kept telling me get on Facebook. Just do it. Even if you never do anything with it we can keep in touch. Well, I never did because of all the stories you would hear about the drama created by it. So, i never was able to be her friend on it. I waited too long-finally broken down by the others in my life who have taught me how to get around the drama when people do create it. Halloween finds me thinking of you more and more often. I miss you and nothing seems to ever fill the void of going home and not getting to see YOU. The jokes, the laughs, the never ending sarcasm-i miss so much. So much. Sometimes familiar faces and familiar places back home haunt me and I have not been able to figure out how to get past it. I struggle to understand the whys of all of it. Maybe because I lived too far from home to grasp what happened to you to hurt you so much. It bothers me that I wasnt closer to you-or to it-to be able to try and help more than the phone calls we shared. If I know you, you probably didnt tell me everything because you knew I was too far away. But I wouldve come. For you-I would have come home. Sometimes i just want to be angry. Angry at the circumstances that caused you so much pain. Angry at the world because no one could save you from the hurt you had to feel. Angry at my own selfishness for wanting you back here. Angry because i think all you had to do was make just one more phone call. I would have jumped on the next flight home to sit with you for days if we needed to. I know a few people who would have joined us. Anything to help you-if i could do it- i would have. But i didnt know. Apparently I just didnt know all of it. And now I am just angry that someone so special, kind hearted and a gifted spirit-is simply.....gone..... The hurt is still fresh-even though you wouldnt think it would be. Getting over your death is just as hard as getting over my mothers. Im still not over hers. Its not as painful now, her death...but I will never stop missing her and wishing she was here for those special moments. Yours-still painful and I never stop wishing. I know time will ease it. But i will never forget you. I was so lucky to have friends here to help me. I made one simple text and they all came. They have become my family and you would have loved them-and they you. Even now i still talk about you. My friend, my family, my sister and one of moms other daughters. Today, I begin to make my own peace with it. I have been struggling because there are so many unanswered questions but I realized today that maybe I wasnt meant to know all of it. That wasnt the plan. I know it is a long time coming, my peace-and I am sure many will feel that way-but it is how I had to deal with it. I hold onto things far too long sometimes and your death hit me harder than even I had known. Youre not supposed to be gone yet. I had known you since 5th grade and you were so much more to me than a best friend. You knew all my secrets. We spent days upon days at each others homes. You were there for me when I lost mom and hurt the most. The only hurt I have felt to this day that even comes close to that is losing you. I am sure that some people reading this-if they get this far-will feel some pain or hurt or a sting. Like I brought back a painful memory that maybe they have been able to put in a box or somewhere in their heart where you remain. This isnt meant to do that. This is me-telling you that I miss you and that it still hurts-but I am letting go of that hurt so that I can laugh even more about all the fond memories that I share about you with those here who never knew you. This halloween, in lucky number 13 of course...is the one that my heart has finally said-enough. I am putting you in a special place in my heart. Youve already been there-but now I am letting go of the anger, the selfishness. I am making more room so that you can be free there. To laugh with me, to share with me-and even to give me the pointed sarcasm that you were so well known for when i do something stupid or funny. I feel you sometimes-but now I know that I am freeing you so that I can feel you more. I know that somewhere-you are carrying on as usual. Scaring the hell out of someone, playing a prank. Probably have 100 cats nearby. :) Make sure wherever you are- you save a seat for me. Because i will see you again. And it will feel like we never parted. And I will be sure to bring a bottle of Boones Farms-just for the good ole days. Heather Heath-my friend-my heart-I miss you, I love you and I wish you all the peace I can. Know that you are missed, loved and remembered. Love, your friend, Chowderhead
Posted on: Fri, 25 Oct 2013 06:50:56 +0000
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