I found a journal from when I was in rehab six years ago (for the third time): Straight Jacket Straight jacket within my head I know Id be better dead. I cant stop this mental strain Lord help me relieve this pain. I fight, and I fight, I really try Why cant I just stay dry? I feel the madness rushing in Will I ever be free from sin? I make it look good for all of you You will never really see who... I am! Yeah! Straight jacket within my head I know Id be better dead. I cant stop this mental strain Lord help me relieve this pain. I just stop fighting, I reached my hell I know I will never be well. I am not living, I have no soul I might as well dig my own hole. With a bottle of pills and 36 beers I look back on all wasted years. After achieving merciful death I can then draw my first sober breath. When I wrote this, I had no concept of who God truly is. The God I wrongly conceptualized, I hated. He was who I blamed, but paradoxically the one I cried out to as well. When I truly sought God, I found him in the place I feared He would be: the bible. I did not want to acknowledge that it was I, who had defied Him. I relied on Ive been dealt a bad hand in life. A couple years after this cry for help was written, I went to hell on an LSD trip gone wrong. I truly thought I had killed myself and this was where I was to dwell. The overwhelming emotion I experienced was regret. I cried out to a different God than the ones I had made up to justify and approve of my wickedness. I called out to the God of the bible; the One Whom, deep down, I knew was true; the One Whom I had separated myself from. I cried, Get me out of here! I receiving a sobering response: Its too late, youve made your decision. I knew it was true, and I knew it was just. I am a living testimony to the saving power of Jesus Christ, in this temporal life, and thereafter. He took my sins upon himself and bore the just punishment that I deserved for defying Him. He made the laws, I broke them, He served my sentence. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23
Posted on: Sat, 19 Jul 2014 16:37:45 +0000
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