I found this in my notes. I have come along way, regressed, came back, fought, fighting depression. Its been a rough summer. But Im seeing a great counselor now and a good psychologist now. Added a new diagnosis of BPD. Already planned to do DBT now this makes official that its the next right move. Heres what I found.... Feb 17 2013 I made it outside today, to church (last night). Had some company stop by and some other friends encourage me to get my butt to church. So five minutes before church started I put some jeans on and left all scruffy. But I made it. It helps that its only a mile down the road. Been slacking in my Reading through the Bible in a year, but I can easily make it up. I will listen to it. That I can commit to. Been reading a lot tonight on Forgiveness but Im sure youve seen my many posts. Forgiveness is such a hard thing. But what a release or load off our shoulders when we let go and give it to God. Praying for the person. Blessing the person with our words. Does help the process. I never think of myself as mad at God but maybe I have been. Since Im refusing to read my bible and havent been wanting to go to church and all. I think when youre depressed youre kinda mad at the world. Or maybe being mad/angry just makes you feel better. At least youre feeling something. Sometimes it gives you the energy youve been lacking. Makes sense. It seems I get awful grouchy, irritated and have been told I look for a fight. Im beginning to see a pattern. Im learning there are so many facets to this bipolar, its not just depression and euphoria (manic) its actually pretty confusing. I feel like Im making some progress lately. It seems some people take a pill, simplify their lives and function fine out there in the world. (Most people I know arent that lucky.) I guess that has put a lot of pressure on me to be better. I think debunking that will help tremendously. At least with the depression part. Expectations can be brutal. Still trying to find my place here. It seems like its been a ridiculously long journey and I dont feel like Ive made it very far. So....I like what Joyce said about forgiving yourself and allowing God to make it up to people weve (Ive) hurt or disappointed. I also like the saying that Gods light shines best through cracked pots. We dont have to be perfect for God to use us. Gods love/strength can be revealed through our weakness. I feel bad I wasnt some awesome mom, the mom I was striving so hard to be and fell so short but God can use my weakness to teach my kids a different lesson than what I had planned. I was thinking about that lately because with my depression life gets really tough and Im worried Im not the Gma I want to be. Caden and I have been watching more tv lately when hes here, my apts been a mess and Im not active with him. But Im with him. And I treasure doing nothing with him on the morning(s) hes here. Even if Im emotional and stay in my pjs all day. My kids survived. And they turned out quite awesome. But most importantly THIS TO SHALL PASS. And Im who God made me to be. I may suffer. But I also have gifts and things to share that others dont. I have passions and things to pass on that others neglect. I may have my dark days but I also have my bright shinny days where I go the extra mile. I love God and I love my family. And I have a teachers heart. God can use all people even us who are cracked. Nite all. Peace out.
Posted on: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 05:00:35 +0000
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