I found this letter on FB and it touched me so deeply that I think anyone who has experienced Loss can relate to this. Required Reading for Anyone Experiencing Grief. @JenPastiloff (Click to Tweet!) E.B.’s piece is called Grief Anniversary: “anniversary” implies that I do not have grief the other 364 days I do. But as the date approaches I feel, slowly arising The original grief The breath sucked out of me when I got the news over the phone. The early grief Walking around in a daze, wondering where she went How things would be now She was 31 She was my “person” And it was out of the blue. I have not been the same since. And I don’t want to be…. what you don’t know is that my life will never be the same what you don’t know is that if or when this happens to you, yours won’t either what you don’t know, until it happens to you, is how it feels what you don’t know is that I can’t TELL you how it feels I can say a million words, but they won’t begin to convey it what you don’t know is that all of the losses touch each other suffering a loss today can bring up a loss from decades ago and it feels real it feels current it’s one big steaming pot of loss what you don’t know is that it’s always present for me so for those of you who would never bring it up and then later say, when I finally do “I was going to say something but I didn’t want you to get upset” I’M ALREADY UPSET. you mentioning it doesn’t make me upset it’s not like until you brought it up….I forgot about that piece of me I’ll never have again for anyone who says “you need to stop thinking about it. It’s making you sad. I am ALREADY sad. And by the way… What’s wrong with sad? what you don’t know is that asking is the best thing you can do but what you don’t know is that if you don’t ask, it is probably because you’re scared to ask because the answer is too scary for you maybe because it hasn’t happened to you what you don’t know is that if or when it happens to you and someone finally asks you about it you are going to want to kiss them full on the mouth collapse into their arms what you don’t know is that the gratitude you feel towards people who ask who can witness your pain is almost as bottomless as the grief itself what you don’t know is that the platitudes not only don’t help they make me angry at you. “I know she wouldn’t want you to be sad” really?! Please. to start with, you never met her. And…..do you know one of the many reasons I miss her so much? because if this had happened with someone else if she was still here to comfort me she would say: “don’t listen to them, Bets. You ARE sad. “she” would want you to be wherever you are. trust the process.” what you don’t know is that the one person who could best see and love and comfort me through tough times see me when I couldn’t see myself is the one for whom I’m grieving. double whammy. I need to talk to HER about losing HER. I need to cry to her about losing my best friend My “person”. part of my insides the one who not only understood everything I didn’t get before– but who GAVE it to me herself. what does not show is the searing pain I have deep deep inside so deep that sometimes I don’t even see it what does not show is the part of my heart that feels all carved out like an avacado scraped to the very skin that sound of the metal spoon hitting the inside of the rough peel there is no more empty what does not show is the anger I feel every time someone fails to see my losses fails to see ME what does not show is the picture in my head of me smacking you when you say something like “she’d want you to move on.” (once again, only from people who never met her. how can you speak for her?) move on…..from what? where have I stopped? what does not show is the movement of my feelings moving all the time up and down, side to side, waxing and waning all in service of being present not better. Present. To whatever shows up. because all you see is pain and you want it to go away. what does not show is the tidal wave of grief that comes on her death date or her birthday or when something reminds me of her in a way that feels like a punch in the gut in a way that causes my body to remember both that she is gone but also that she was here. How much I loved her. what does not show are the tiny shards of my heart that I’ve been picking up and picking out of crevices putting in a bag little tiny pieces trying not to step on them or vacuum them up they seem infinite and I can’t ever put them back together the way they were what does not show is the brokenness of my heart.
Posted on: Tue, 23 Dec 2014 00:23:29 +0000
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