I got to experience the worst feeling a parent can experience with their beautiful newborn child again last night. It had been many years since I felt this -not since Rowen was an infant. I had forgotten just how horrible it feels to be carefully cutting your newborns tiny fingernails and to accidentally catch a little piece of skin in the clipper, cutting it off and causing them to immediately start screaming and crying in pain. And I had forgotten how horrible it feels to do it TWICE IN A ROW. After the first time I moved Clara to a spot that was more brightly lit and I went in twice as carefully to cut another fingernail... and I did it again. Both of her thumbs now had a little bloody tip. And she screamed louder. And Keesha came and took her away, trying to soothe to her. And I just sat there on the bed for awhile, my head literally hanging in defeat, shame and sadness... I dont understand why, but for some reason cutting off a little piece of skin from babys tiny finger tip is frustratingly easy to do. I remember the first time Keesha did it to Rowen when he was a newborn, and me getting angry at her and taking Rowen away in a huff, thinking she must have been careless with him, and Keesha crying in sadness at hurting him, and me taking over and finishing the job without incident, and me thinking I was Rowens savior; I would be his White Knight of fingernail cutting from now on... But then the next time I cut his fingernails I did the same thing. I was surprised and horrified! How did it happen? I thought I had the nail carefully positioned in the little baby-sized clipper? I was being careful. Im good with my hands and with tools! And yet here was Rowen screaming in pain with a little bloody fingertip! I pulled together my bruised confidence and kept going. I think I completed the job without incident. But then the next time I cut his nails I did it again. And I remember doing it twice in one session. With my confidence now shattered, feeling utterly defeated, I gave the job back to Keesha. And she did it really well for awhile again... And then she cut him again. And she gave the job back to me. So we traded off back and forth for awhile until he grew older and his fingertips changed and it was no longer so difficult NOT to hurt him. So last night it all came rushing back to me. The feeling of defeat as I fail in my most important job with my little daughter: protecting her. I felt again the sadness and guilt that my sweet little baby was now crying in pain at something I did. And for hours afterward through the evening, whenever she touched her thumb tips the wrong way causing her little body to startle in sudden pain, she would start screaming in pain at what I did again... And when I held her to comfort her I didnt feel the same sense of her melting deeply into me like she usually does. She felt agitated. Maybe shed lost a little bit of trust in me? So Ive given the job back to Keesha... at least least for awhile. At least until she gives it back to me again.
Posted on: Sun, 24 Nov 2013 18:50:19 +0000
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